'The Voice' Season 5 Recap: Adam Levine's Team Crushes The Knockout Rounds

Oh dear. The Knockout Rounds on The Voice hath begun. And then the season is over. HAHA what am I saying, we have roughly 5 million weeks' worth of live rounds to get through after this. I usually enjoy the Knockout Rounds, but while I was watching tonight's episode, I realized that Cee Lo Green, Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, and Blake Shelton will no longer be accompanied by their respective advisors. That means no more Cher. That was rather cruel of you,The Voice, but I care about you unconditionally. I won't be going anywhere.

There were 16 performances during the first night of Knockouts. I am tuckered out. The following were the best duels from each team:

TEAM XTINAAmber Nicole singing "Mamma Knows Best" vs. Josh Logan singing "Living for the City"

Amber Nicole's range! Amber Nicole's RANGE! Her performance was merciless. I thought this was a no-brainer before Josh even began.

Xtina remarked that Josh sounded a lot like Stevie Wonder, and she wasn't wrong. I liked this performance. I can't knock the song choice because it was an outstanding fit, but it didn't pack the punch that Amber's did. My opinion is dirt, evidently, because Xtina chose Josh. FORTUNATELY, Blake and Cee Lo hit their buttons for the steal. Amber chose Cee Lo. I removed my iPad from my garbage can.

TEAM BLAKEBriana Cuoco singing "Don't Speak" vs. Shelbie Z. singing "Last Name"

I wanted Briana to prove me wrong with this song choice. I really did. Don't flip out, I am a huge No Doubt fan. That, however, works against my ability to be an objective audience member. Gwen Stefani's voice has such a specific tone, and anyone else sounds somewhat unnatural singing the band's songs. Briana did a good job, but the song didn't work. To her credit she did hit some great, strong notes at the end.

Shelbie Z. could not be stopped. She chose "Last Name" because she's won singing competitions with it in the past. Guess what? She was the winner winner chicken dinner. She KILLED it. Poor Briana. It was hard to watch her cry backstage. Someone flip my emotion switch off, please. Oh, this isn't Mystic Falls? I suppose I'll keep moping, then.

TEAM ADAMAshley DuBose singing "Hey Soul Sister" vs. Tessanne Chin singing "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"

I wasn't going to be happy no matter how this went down because nothing would erase Adam pitting these two otherworldly vocalists against one another. Ashley accomplished something I thought otherwise impossible: she made me enjoy a Train song. It fit her voice so well. Initially, I was like, "give me a song I can WORK with!" But she showed me the light. Do I like the song now? Maybe I like the song now. Crap, do I love her voice. Cee Lo said her voice had a "coffee and cigarette quality," which I assume he meant as a compliment.

Well, whatever Ashely did was irrelevant, sadly, because Tessanne bulldozed the The Voice stage into rubble. The only note I took during this performance was a single f-bomb. When Tessanne took all of us to another planet during that final chorus, it was game over. Xtina told Tessanne she made the Kelly Clarkson song sound easy. Tessanne won, and no one stole Ashley. I was really disappointed. My iPad might be back in the garbage can.

TEAM CEE LOCole Vosbury singing "Let Her Go" vs. Jonny Gray singing "We Can Work It Out"

Hip hats and luscious locks! I forgot about Cole's voice, which was thickheaded of me because he was AMAZEBALLS. The song really showcased his range. Toward the end, he hit these shockingly high, yet still clear, notes. I wrote, "ooh ooh pretty PRETTY," and that sums up how I felt about the performance. Always so eloquent, Rohwedder.

Jonny's voice remained incredibly unique, and the song was fun and high-energy. All of the coaches went nuts over both dudes, which was totally warranted. I reckon I liked Cole better, but Cee Lo went with Jonny. Fortunately, Adam and Blake both went for the steal. Cole decided to stay in his folksy wheelhouse and picked Blake. Way to end the show on a positive note (ha-HA!), The Voice!

Tomorrow night: we knock out some more Knockout Rounds. Cher, if you're reading this, know that I miss you.

Image: NBC