The 7 Friends We All Have On Facebook (Do You Really "Like" That I'm Looking For An Internet Provider?)

In real life, our friends fall into designated roles. Your friend group may include the token train wreck with a juicy new story every Sunday brunch, the confidant who articulates your thoughts better than you even can, and the friend-of-a-friend you bond with by analyzing last night's Game Of Thrones episode every Monday. Facebook adds a whole new set of categories to your friendships, not to mention whole new groups of "friends." Because — let's be honest — your actual friends and the "friends" you accumulate on Facebook are overlapping but distinct groups. And some of the relationships we have on Facebook just don't resemble any real-life interaction.

Anyone with a Facebook account is "friends" — whatever that word means these days — with all these people. And considering the entertainment they provide, we wouldn't want it any other way.

1. The crush whose page you're trying so hard not to over-analyze

But who is that girl in that picture?? Maybe she's just a friend. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this. But she has her arm around him — or is that just what people do in photographs?

Who's that other guy in her photos? Are they dating? Then again, the last picture with them together is from January, and who knows what could have happened since.


Half an hour later, after you've constructed an elaborate story about this mysterious woman, her tearful breakup with this mysterious man, and her budding relationship with your crush, you unfollow all the characters in your work of fiction and resolve to channel your natural curiosity about human beings somewhere outside this rabbit hole.

2. Your own personal fan who "likes" everything you're doing

Why do you "like" that I'm looking for an Internet provider? Are you glad I'm being responsible? Are you assuming I'll find one and congratulating me in advance? Or are you just relieved that I'm not homeless and hence have somewhere to place a router?

3. The overt stalker

Yes, we all do it. But it's the rare (though always existent!) Facebook friend who makes their stalking obvious by "liking" sequences of photos from 2010 all at once. I can't decide if I find this behavior creepy or refreshingly honest. After all, the only thing separating my stalking behavior from theirs is that they actually click the "like" button.

3. The older relative who hasn't quite figured out this whole Facebook thing

These people are adorable, and I hope they never quite figure out the "proper" way to use Facebook. (Seriously, Uncle Gerald, never change.)

That last line has to be the most uncle-y thing ever said on Facebook.

5. The recreational debater

Sheesh, when you get these people together ...

They just go at it.

And shit gets real personal real fast.

The struggle is deciding whether to un-friend these people to avoid being their next target or keep them around for entertainment.


6. That person you're not sure you've even met in real life


I mean, you seem nice and all. I'm sure if I have met you in real life, I enjoyed our time together. You're welcome to stick around and comment on my statuses once in a while, and I'll do the same if you pretend to remember me too. It'll be our little secret.

7. The exhibitionist couple

These lovebirds could be overcompensating for a conflict-ridden relationship or pissing all over each other's walls like dogs marking their territory. Or they could just be madly in love and want the world to know. Either way, no judgment.

OK, maybe a little judgment.

But, hey, I'm not gonna go un-friending any of you or anything.

What would it take for *you* to unfollow someone on social media? We discuss unfollow horror stories & more on the latest episode of Bustle's The Chat Room. Listen here:

Images: Giphy(3); Suzannah Weiss/Facebook(9)