Craig. Craigity Craig Craig Craig. What ever will we do with you? Up until Monday night’s episode, I was not bothered by the antics of the resident party boy of Southern Charm (side note: it is a true feat to be THE party boy of this cast, but Craig's pulled it off with aplomb). Craig doesn’t want to clean his room, like, ever? Gross, but whatever. I've seen worse. He doesn’t want to head to the office until some time after lunch? I mean, if he can get away with it, I guess that's his prerogative (SPOILER ALERT: He stops getting away with it this week. WOMP WOMP). He wants to get shwasted like it’s 1999 night after night? Well, I wouldn't want anyone judging my choice to spend my evenings revisiting the original Melrose Place, so I reckon I won't judge Craig for yukking it up into the wee hours of the morning every morning.
But my feelings toward Craig changed when he committed not one, but two egregious offenses over the course of Monday night's episode:
The morning after a booze-filled night out with the other Charmers, Craig wants breakfast. He retrieves a saucepan, a box of Froot Loops, and a carton of milk. He pours the cereal into the saucepan. He pours the milk over the cereal. He fetches a spoon. And then, he proceeds to eat the cereal out of the saucepan.
Cereal is to be eaten from bowls, cups, or straight out of the box. I feel very strongly about this. No cookware, no blenders, no baking tins, et cetera. Cereal deserves better than that. If I were to ever see someone dump Cocoa Pebbles into a skillet, top it off with some 2% milk, and dig in with a serving spoon, I might alert the authorities.
Yes, there are special cases, but Craig's case is more than likely an all-of-the-bowls-are-dirty-and-I-don't-feel-like-washing-them case. That is not an excuse. Do your dang dishes.
How dare he eat cereal out of a saucepan. HOW DARE HE DISRESPECT CEREAL LIKE THAT.
In the middle of Patricia’s gator-themed dinner party, Craig announces he’s invited his chums to visit his hometown in Delaware. Patricia starts to tell Craig that she and Whitney’s dad had a place on the beach in Delaware, but before she can finish, Craig interrupts my queen. “They’re going to have a f**king blast,” Craig blurts out. Shep, acting on behalf of all of the viewers at home, literally elbows Craig.
Patricia, saint that she is, does not lose her cool. After Craig is done interjecting, she picks up where she was forced to leave off. Craig does not acknowledge his blunder.
How dare he interrupt Patricia. HOW DARE HE DISRESPECT PATRICIA LIKE THAT.
Cereal is in my top five favorite foods. Patricia is in my top five favorite reality TV personalities. So yes, I do take both of these offenses VERY personally. You do wrong by cereal and/or Patricia, you do wrong by me.
I would not object to a handwritten apology note from Craig. But until then, we are not simpatico, bro. We are not simpati-bro.