The 9 Stages Of Being Obsessed With Jess Mariano On 'Gilmore Girls'

Whether you love him or hate him, Jess Mariano is Rory Gilmore's true love on Gilmore Girls, now and forever in the eyes of the almighty Internet. If you're reading this, then you're probably one of those people who thought Jess was the only one who understood Rory and they were like, so totally meant to be together, OK!? Right. Moving on. The dark and stormy dreamboat of Gilmore Girls blew into Stars Hollow with a chip on his shoulder and something loud and angry in his stereo. When he and Rory met, it was one of those, "I know this is wrong on paper, but it feels so right" kind of attractions, and those are usually the hardest to shake. Let's face it, we've all had a Jess Mariano, and it's probably why he's the most obsessed-over Gilmore boyfriend.

Sure, Jess could sometimes be awful to Luke, Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and pretty much everyone else important in Rory Gilmore's life, but, I mean, he was so deep. They liked the same bands! He also read a lot of books! Hot smoochin! In short: Jess was the bad boy with a heart of gold, and those guys are impossible to resist (until, in the real world, you grow tired of trying to chip away at their emotional walls and attempt to enjoy Sunday brunch without having to always talk about Noam Chomsky).

Here's what happens when you're totally devoted to Team Jess:

You Buy a Leather Bomber Jacket for Your Main Squeeze... Or Yourself

It's like being a T Bird, but way more literate.

You Hang Out in Independent Bookstores

And maybe lock eyes with the love of your life from across the bookshelf.

You Come Up With a List of Dry Comebacks for Small Talk

"How are you?"

"I'm not bleeding or anything."

You Take Your Dates on Bumper Car Rides

It's much safer than actually crashing a car.

You Book a Trip to LA and Don't Tell Anyone

You even turn off locations on your Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram so no one can track you.

You Learn to Do This Trick

It makes all the people swoon.

You Now Have an Aversion to Swans

Vicious birds!

You Carry Around Kurt Vonnegut Novels in Your Back Pocket

Like all smarty pants rebels do.

You Always Use, "I Know You!" in Fights With Your Significant Other

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Cuts 'em right to the core.

Images: Warner Brothers (3), thequeenofdrama; jssmariano/Tumblr, thestir.cafemom, imfreeofthecoliseums; smoakandswa; ashinyruttinreavers;