How-Dude.Me Claims To Tell You How Dude-Like You Are, And It's Just As Messed Up As It Sounds
The new website How-Dude.me has supposedly created a "dudeness" radar — and it's activating all of our "WTF" radars. A spinoff of the age-predicting Microsoft site How-Old.net, How-Dude.me uses its "#HowDudeRobot" to classify how dude-like different people look in photos. The site was created by the online dating app Lulu, evident in not-so-subtle plugs like "Find out what REAL women think on Lulu" (wait a second, this dude-bot doesn't represent real women??).
You may be thinking, "'Dude-like?' What on earth are you talking about? Is that even a metric?" And you would make a good point. I don't think there was any pressing need for us to know how dude-y we were before this website swooped in and lifted the veil. (Though if you are aching to explore this element of your identity, Alternet has published a pretty comprehensive guide to dudes, including "douchebags," "bros," and "tools.")
In addition to just being weird and, well, random, this site is also pretty problematic — not just because it classifies people on a gendered spectrum and implies that men should want to score high on this scale, but also because of its bizarre characterizations of people with different proportions of dudeness.
In case you were not yet aware of the different levels of dudeness that exist, here are some results in ascending order (though you'll soon find out they actually have no order, rhyme, or reason whatsoever):
1. Three percent dude: #IfWeShipwrecked
If you're a man with a low dudeness proportion, you'd better hope your three-hour tour turns into a Gilligan's Island situation... because that's your own hope for any sort of human connection.
And if you're a lady, don't worry — you're doing just fine conforming to your gender. Keep up the good work!
2. 15 percent dude: #GlassHalfFull
People who are less than demi-dude are being told that their dude glass is half full, reflecting a potential mathematical incompetency in this dude-bot.
3. 74 percent dude: #WillActSilly
Because everyone knows un-dude-like people are lacking in the silliness department. And they certainly don't use the toungue-out emoji.
4. 76 percent dude with a 96-percent-dude ear: #HotFriends and #PerfectionSquared
Chuck Norris's face may be stuck in the #HowDudeRobot's "hot friend" zone, but at least his ear has the perfect level of dudeness.Maybe Lulu should fine-tune the bot's facial recognition skills before diving into dude classification?
5. 99 percent dude: #SelfMadeMan
The ultimate dude and self-made man: A... baby? The royal baby, for that matter? How-Dude.me may be using an entirely different definition of "dude" from the rest of us.
6. 99 percent dude: #IfWeShipwrecked
Wait a second, wasn't that also three percent dude? This doesn't make any goddamn sense.
7. 100 percent dude: #MakesMeLaugh
The Hulk: the pinnacle of dudeness that we should all be striving toward. And that ... makes us laugh? I give up. So in case you're unhappy with your dude test results, rest assured that they are not personal. In fact, they are entirely random. Almost as random as the fact that this website exists. I mean, dude.