9 Reasons We Need An 'Amy Schumer Guide to Life' As Fast As Amy Can Write It

If you haven’t fallen down the Inside Amy Schumer rabbit hole yet, it's time to step back and take a good, hard look at the choices you've made thus far in your adult years. You're not a child anymore. It's time to take hold of your life, put down that smartphone, open up your laptop's browser to the Comedy Central homepage to watching some good TV for a change.

Yes, she's funny; yes, her material feels fresh and of-the-moment (even when parodying the classic black and white 12 Angry Men). But all joking aside, Amy's fearless take on contemporary feminism is reason alone to take a look at what the comedian has to say about, well, everything. Aside from her hit show, already renewed for its fourth season, Schumer already has her first film, Trainwreck , on the horizon. This begs the question: When will we be graced with her first book? Can you imagine the wells of wisdom that we are currently being deprived of without the existence of a Schumer-inked guide to life?

So, while we float, rudderless, through a hostile world, here are 9 reasons we need lifestyle guru Amy Schumer to write us a book…

We Need Beauty Tips, and We Need Them Now

Only Amy holds the secret to just how much makeup it will take to completely mask our faces in order to achieve that "natural beauty" effect.

Miss Schumer Can Finally Tell Us Where to Purchase This:

It's the chardonnay glass we've all been waiting for.

Amy Is An Expert In the DOs and DONTs of Internet Etiquette

Cyber-bullying is A-OK as long as it involves a family member!

Maybe, Just Maybe, Amy's Lifestyle Guide Can Teach Us How To Cook

Reduce your staggering monthly Seamless bill by finally figuring out how to turn on that stove!

She Can Also Show Us How To Break Up With Someone In the Classiest Way Possible

Be gentle, but firm. You deserve to have your dream breakup!

And We Can Use Her Lessons On How to Get Over An Ex

Nothing says "I've moved on" quite like Ben & Jerry's, sweatpants, and gin.

As Well As How To Age Gracefully

At this point in the book, Amy's friends "of a certain age" — Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Patricia Arquette — can teach us about the positive side of aging.

She'll Remind Us How to Order a Drink Like a Pro

I'll give it to her: the woman knows what she likes.

And Dress to Flatter Our Figures

Don't be shy, do like Amy and show off those delicate ankles and wrists!

So, Amy, the world is ready for you. Please, oh, please, give us what we want!

Images: Giphy (12)