Anais Nin once said, "We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are." If that's true, every guy on Tinder is a throbbing dong. How did I come to this conclusion, you ask? Well, I spoke to about 30 different guys on the dating app strictly in Anais Nin dirty talk and sexy quotes (from her very hot letters to fellow sexy '30s writer Henry Miller and from her writings, like Delta of Venus) and guys, it did nothing to lessen the usual deluge of stupid pick up lines, oblivious small talk, and even a few dick pics.
The thirst is so, so real.
I changed my profile picture to a (regrettably boob-y) shot of me at a 1920’s party, hoping to capture at least Nin’s time period, if not exact look (her finger waves were on fleek, Google it).
I also updated my description from a Jack Handey quote to a reference to Nin’s Franco-Cuban heritage and her repeated hatred of boring-ness. (Which is SO applicable to Tinder, what with its abundance of “Hey” messages).
But don't take my word for it — see for yourself. Here's what happens when you talk to Tinder guys exclusively in Anais Nin quotes:
OK to Play?
So right out of the gate, this guy just ignored my Anais Nin realness. I did not appreciate it.
This guy attempted to serve me some deep right back, and I respected that. But I think he meant “obsession.”
Gettin' down to the dirty talk.
I decide to challenge/terrify myself a little by pulling a few of the more scandalous Nin quotes here, and wow, did they not disappoint. Actually they did disappoint, because I deeply regretted how zero-to-60 they made this conversation.
"So... what do you prefer doing with my c**k?"
Despite my best efforts at jumping the conversational shark, this guy kept casually bringing the discussion back to his penis. I told him (in a total non sequiter) that I loved journaling and he said I could use his dick “as a pen.”
Like, drag it across a piece of paper?
Do not want.
And then there were pictures
I got scared so I stopped talking to him. So he posted dick pics as moments.
I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s eyesight/ability to sleep at night so I added some decoration to the photos. Then I reported and unmatched him. (I mean COME ON).
"That's deep, and I like it."
This guy was really agreeable to my nonsense. PS. He’s a Scorpio.
"I want to feel the violent thumping"
First off, props for this guy’s fantastic opener, “Looking not bad!”
I also appreciated his understanding of my need for sex.
The guy who called women "bitches" right in his opening.
I did not feel bad about messing with this guy in the least.
Not only did this guy stay strong and finish his pick up line, he out-deeped me!!
This guy not only called out my whack responses, he actually Googled them!! (Something I still can’t believe that no other match attempted).
My takeaway from this experiment is that we should all take exactly nothing in online dating personally. You can be a truly amazing person or you can be spouting batshit crazy excerpts from 1930s erotica novels, and guys will… not even seem to be reading what you are saying to them.
This is annoying, but it’s also freeing: you can say some really strange stuff and guys who are attracted to you will forgive all of it. Like literally. All of it.
So I say screw it: let’s all go on Tinder and get weird. Somebody, somewhere is bound to understand that u need sex. And Anais Nin would be super proud too.
Images: Cathy Vandewater, giphy