Bravo, fellow millennials. I feel like in the past decade we have made major strides in avoiding human contact. Like, remember the anxiety-ridden days before Seamless when you actually had to call someone to order your pizza? (Sorry, didn't mean to induce Pizza PTSD. We're OK. Nobody is going to call your phone probably ever again.) In keeping with our entirely antisocial tendencies, we now can not only fast order our food, but fast order our breakups. That's right—you can pay a stranger to breakup with someone for you in Australia, thanks to the new service "Sorry It's Over," the most innovative thing in breakups since some dude bro in the year 400 B.C. invented the words "It's me, not you."
37-year-old Kristy Mazins is the Gen Y whisperer behind the new business, which has an entire menu of affordable ways she will break up with someone for you. Staring at $5.50, she will send a text, an e-mail, a handwritten letter, or call them up herself. For an even steeper price she will send them flowers (bonus points for only being kind of a terrible millennial!), a sympathy basket, or even physically send a representative to break up with them (hopefully wearing Kevlar).
It's every bit as convenient as you hoped it would be. One quick trip to the site and you'll see that it's almost as easy as ordering Thai food, minus the fact that Thai food has never ripped someone's heart out upon delivery. I was very tempted to pay Mazins to break up with myself this morning, but it became too much of a sad metaphor for my chronic singlehood, and alas, as of right now the service is only available in Australia.
Here is one of the examples of a text you can send with the service:
And here's an example of an e-mail you can have sent:
"You know with Gen Y how they’re so tech savvy, I think for them it’s the perfect service," said Mazins to Mamamia. Before she took up the torch as a professional break upper, she worked as a nurse, an experience that allows her to be both gentle and firm. "I’m quite good at mediating people’s relationships. It’s a gift. I think it’s the counseling that goes with nursing."
No word on what exactly happens after the jig is up and the person you break up with gets ahold of you. Maybe someone can team up with Mazin to make an entirely separate professional ghosting service? Or, LIFE HACK, we could all just become ghosts. Come on, millennials, you had to know this was where we were headed. We'll never have to summon the wherewithal to talk to another living being again.
Images: Getty Images; Kristy Mazins(2)