16 Things Grown-Ass Men Don't Have In Their Tinder Bios, Because They Wouldn't Be Caught Dead With The Flexing Emoji
In spite of all its wonderful entertainment value and hookup potential, there's no denying that Tinder can be a breeding ground for man-children. I've had a Tinder profile for years now, and have somehow accumulated over 700 matches in that time. If you're thinking, "Wow, that must be so nice," think again. How many men do you think I left-swiped in order to end up with that many matches? Probably thousands. Which unfortunately means I am somewhat of an expert judge of Tinder bios.
I've seen it all: the good, the bad, the ugly, the illiterate, the rude, and of course, the immature. No one wants to go on a date and be blind-sided by a guy who is technically 25 but acts like he just graduated from eighth grade. Even if you're using Tinder strictly for sex, that doesn't mean you should settle for an immature guy whose pillow talk would probably make you cringe (best case scenario) or run away in fright (worst case scenario).
In order to help you differentiate a grown-ass man from a man-child, I've compiled a handy list of things that no mature-adult man would put in his Tinder bio. If you come across a profile and see any of the following, please do not hesitate to #LeftSwipeDat.
1. Airplane emoji
Look, I'm not hating on emoji use. Ask any of my friends — I love (and probably overuse) the side-eye, kissy-face cat, and sunglasses emoji. But when I see a Tinder profile with a little cartoon airplane, my vagina just kind of seals itself up and my thumb automatically twitches to the left. I get it, you like to travel. Awesome. As a human with basic comprehension skills, however, I understand that to get from London to Chicago, you probably took an airplane — no need for the visual.
2. "Snapchat/Kik Me"
What even is Kik? I guess I'm really not hip with the teens anymore, because frankly I have no idea what one does with a Kik. I'm pretty sure it's for sexting? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sexting, but through a sketchy app? That just screams "Beware: Man-child." On a similar note, I am a huge fan of Snapchat, but if you're including that in your profile, chances are you'll go from zero to 100 real quick and next thing I know, I'll be waking up to unsolicited dick pics every morning. I'll take a hard pass on that.
3. “If you don’t look like your pictures, you're buying me drinks until you do”
Welp, this is undeniably disgusting and misogynistic. It's a woman's job to look a certain way to please you, and if she doesn't, you want to get so drunk that you're able to tolerate her appearance so you can maybe have non-consensual sex afterwards? Bye, Felipe.
4. “That’s not my kid”
If you use a disclaimer like this, chances are you aren't ready for kids anyway. As a new rule, how about we all just assume that if you're under 25, it's not your kid (nothing against teen parents though). But if it in fact is your kid, that might be worth mentioning in your bio (unless you'd rather wait to reveal such personal info). Actually, let's just nix all pictures featuring babies. I see right through you, men. You're using that poor innocent baby to trick me into thinking you're sensitive and affectionate. Nice try, but you can't fool this Tinder veteran.
5. "No Fatties"
Seriously? In what world is it OK to say something like that? I don't know if you're aware, but the whole point of Tinder is that you don't have to talk to someone you aren't attracted to. If you aren't into full-figured ladies, simply shut up and politely swipe left. A tell-tale sign of a grown-ass man? No body-shaming and no rude weight-centered comments.
I'm really happy that you are appreciative of the life you're living, but do any not-parent-age adults still say #blessed unironically? Please try to be a little more creative.
7. "I'm willing to lie about how we met"
OK, this is 2015 — everyone and their grandmother uses dating sites or apps. It's both immature and stupid to act like it's something to be ashamed about, so no, I do not want you to lie about how we met. Actually, I don't really want to meet you at all.
Oh, you have a tattoo? That's super unique and interesting. Wait, you have more than one tattoo? Shut. Up. How crazy! Thank God you told me, because I totally couldn't tell from your shirtless mirror picture featuring your full sleeve and chest piece.
When I first started online dating, I kept seeing these four seemingly innocent letters pop up and I had no idea what the hell they stood for. Now that I'm enlightened, I understand that KCCO is basically the Bat Signal for douchebags with poor senses of humor who love to objectify women. It's a blatant red flag, so steer clear of these men at all costs.
10. "Nice guys finish last"
Unless he means it in the double entendre, "I-like-to-make-sure-my-partner-cums-first" way, I'm swiping left. A huge sign of immaturity is thinking that because you're a "nice guy" (whatever that means), you deserve and are entitled to a woman's attention/affection/sex. When a guy uses some variation of this phrase, I assume he has a very large chip on his shoulder. If you really, truly are a nice guy, you wouldn't need to tell me in your Tinder bio. Show me IRL, please.
11. Any mention of an ex
This should be a no-brainer. It's totally immature and unnecessary to talk about an ex in your Tinder bio, especially if you say something degrading or rude about her. Trash-talking is not a good look for any grown-ass man, so please refrain.
12. Flexing Emoji
Oh, you go to the gym? How deliciously basic of you. If you use the little muscular arm emoji, chances are high that you also have a few selfies of you flexing in a Planet Fitness. Spare me the theatrics — if I see some normal, shirt-on pictures of you, I can still tell that you're in shape. If going to the gym is the most interesting thing about you, you have some serious soul-searching to do.
Recreational marijuana use? Totally fine. Being a by-the-books stoner as a grown man? Not really that cute. Either way, your affinity for weed might be one of those things that you can wait to mention until you're actually chatting with someone. Ya know, just in case your coworker is in the same age bracket and lives within 30 miles of you.
14. "I'm just here for friendship"
I am totally cool with people who just want to make some new friends via Tinder. However, there is no reason you need to say that in your bio. Instead, you could do what mature adult humans do and befriend someone through a casual conversation that doesn't have any weird, creepy, flirty vibes. This may not be true for everyone, but if you tell me you're only looking for friends, I have a hard time believing that you're sincere. It's the same principle as the "nice guy" thing: Don't tell me you just want friendship — show me.
15. "EDM = Life"
There's nothing wrong with enjoying live music, but I can't think of any mature man who self-identifies first and foremost as an EDM festival-goer. It implies that on any given weekend, you can be found spending hundreds of dollars to get fucked up on drugs/alcohol and jump around with your shirt off. Hey buddy, I've been to Lollapalooza twice and it was awesome, but you won't catch me posting pictures of me in a flower crown with a Bud Light in hand. If Electric Forest is your idea of a romantic getaway, I'll pass on dating/hooking up with you.
16. "You probably won't swipe right anyway"
If you say this (or any of the above), then you are unfortunately correct. Self-deprecation can be funny in small doses and in the right context, but in your Tinder bio, it is a weird tactic that tries to guilt women into swiping right. No thank you.
Images: Leo HidalgoFlickr, Giphy