The other day I went on a first date, and I was trying to describe how much I've lately been enjoying my life. I said, “Like, if you had told me this time last year that I’d be this happy, I’d have punched you in the face,” I told him. He balked. “That’s a little intense,” he said, unconsciously leaning back in his seat, comfortably out of my range. While I maintain that I’m funny, dagnabbit, and it’s not my fault if people don’t have a sense of humor, it did speak to a little bit of a larger issue: I am a drama queen.
I don’t mean that I’m a drama queen in the sense that I intentionally stir up drama, go looking for it, or enjoy it in the slightest. On the contrary, I am a well-balanced and usually quite self-aware human person. And it’s because of that self-awareness that I can attest to the fact that, yeah, occasionally (OK, most days), I get WAY too expressive for the rest of mankind. You know how Tony the Tiger was all, “They’re not just good—they’re GRRRREAT!”? That’s pretty much how I am with every emotion on the spectrum, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I don’t know where I came from, really. There is supposedly a drama queen gene, according to science, but my parents are generally cool as cucumbers and probably have no idea how they birthed Mindy Lahiri’s little sister. Still, they love me through all the UPPPPS! and dooowwwns that come with being a certifiably dramatic person, so props to them, and for all the friends who have climbed aboard my crazy bus. In the meantime, like all self-professed drama queens, I will continue to be grateful for their existence while dealing with the many unique struggles of being a person as dramatic as I am:
People are always “shooshing” you
OH WHAT AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOU?!? Oh, right. I am. Sorry. Carry on.
Your overly-dramatic jokes go over people’s heads
Like, when I threatened to light myself on fire when Fox didn't pick up The Mindy Project, I was clearly (halfway) joking. Dramatic people are go big or go home kind of jokesters, which is also probably why people who aren't hip to it think we're masquerading as Batman villains.
You get angrier for a friend who has been wronged than the friend does themselves
Secondhand anger is the worst. Like, some awful kid in my little sister's class was mean to her once, and she forgot it the next day—but I still harbor #rage after six YEARS. Sure, dramatic people get upset on their own behalf, but they get infinity upset for other people.
You “boy who cried wolf” yourself on a weekly basis
By the time you've called apocalypse on your favorite cupcake store shutting down, a zit, and a 10-minute train delay, people are relatively unimpressed when a legitimate crisis is happening, which is fair-ish. It doesn't make your car any less on fire, but it's definitely fair-ish.
People are shocked when you’re totally calm in an actual crisis
You would expect a dramatic person to get exponentially more dramatic when things get worse, but we actually just achieve drama nirvana and role reverse with our usually calm friends. It's all well and good until everybody acts like you just grew six heads.
You’re constantly (accidentally) repeating your best stories to people who have heard them before
I pretty much over-share like it's my job (oh wait—it is), so yeah, sometimes I tell people the same story umpteen times. I like to think they benefit, though, because I exaggerate the details a little more with every telling. ("But this time there's a DRAGON!")
You read way too much into the tiniest things people say
"She only said 'morning' instead of 'good morning'. Oh god, I bet she already blocked me on Twitter." — Me, most days.
You frequently exhaust yourself
Life for us is basically an emotional roller coaster, and even when it's not, we're gonna narrate it like it is. Imagine being the script writer for a soap opera every waking moment of your life and then GIVE US A LITTLE CREDIT for living this reality, cuz it ain't easy, y'all.
You get really upset if shuffle plays music that is way off from the dramatic feels you are feeling
Stop playing the Tangled soundtrack, can't you tell I'm DEAD INSIDE?! Drama queens are frequently misplacing their trust in their handheld music devices to anticipate what kind of mood they're supposed to be setting in the movie scene that is our walk home from work.
Drama queens have the worst rap in the media
The word "drama queen" is not synonymous with "brat". There is definitely some overlap in that we are generally loud and aggressively present, but I'm not gonna go all Angelica Pickles on you if you eat one of my Thin Mints. (Any more than that, though, and you're dead.)
You will never be comfortable in a "normal" job
Try containing this kind of raw emotion into a regular humdrum 9 to 5, I DARE YOU. Jobs like that have sucked the life out of my very dramatic soul, because I had to spend most of the time pretending to be normal, which is, if possible, more exhausting than being dramatic. People like us gotta write or act or sing or do something that lets us expel some of our brains before we inflict them on everyone else around us instead.
YOU ABUSE CAPS LOCK
EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL ALWAYS and if you happen to not use caps lock when someone gives you good news, even the people who complain about your caps locking get offended that you're not excited enough.
Keeping secrets is the worst, worst, worst
Particularly if the secret is of the "good news" variety. All you want to do is SHOUT IT FROM ROOFTOPS, and sometimes it's not even your news to give. Some of the best/worst moments of my life were friends telling me they were pregnant, and then telling me not to tell anyone. Is there a torture more prolific than this?!?!
You don't have your own reality television show yet
Priorities, America. Get them straight.
Images: Fox; Giphy(11)