Kid Narrates A Manatee Orgy, And It Is So Hilarious That Anyone Who Tells Him The Truth Is Officially Dead To Me — VIDEO

Summer lovin' may have had you a blast, but I'm guessing even your best beach week story has nothing on manatees. Yeah, that's right. Manatees. Those adorable, derpy, gallumping creatures are having way more sex than you are, probably right now, and probably in front of a bunch of people on a beach, cuz they're kinky like that. It's officially manatee mating season, and I don't think there will be a single gem during this ~blessed~ time of year quite as precious as this little boy narrating a manatee orgy.

Let me set the scene for you: A bunch of manatees are getting down with their bad selves in an orgy that puts every overtly-sexual display you've ever watched at Bonnaroo to deep, deep shame, under-the-sea style. To explain, during mating season, a female (or the "cow," in sexy manatee speak) will amass a herd of a dozen or so male suitors, who will basically follow her everywhere she goes and go to town on her—and this can go on for three weeks.

According to the organization Save The Manatee, it is incredibly common for manatees exhibitionists to hump each other on the shore. People, like this adorable little boy, often think that they're playing, and others call in thinking that they're stranded. And yeah, they are stranded—they're ~caught in a bad romance~, if you will.

Anyway, I'll stop making puns that get me evicted from the human race long enough for you to watch the video of this precious person who has no idea what is going on:

Now that I've made you watch a bunch of manatees bang each other to remind you just how little you're getting laid in comparison, allow me to share some other manatee fun facts.

Their closest living relatives are elephants

Manatees evolved from the same land animal as elephants way, way back in the day, about 50 million years ago. No word on why elephants are better at keeping it in their pants, though.

Christopher Columbus thought they were hot stuff

During his expeditions he told tales of his encounters with sexy sirens and mermaids, which just goes to show how sex-deprived these poor sailors were after all those months at sea. Turns out most of those encounters were their first sightings of manatees.

Manatees eat up to a tenth of their body weight every day

Basically, don't leave your Nutella jar out in the open if you invite a manatee over. They can grow up to 2,000 pounds and they mean business.

Images: Getty Images; Giphy(3)