So far, on this season of American Horror Story: Coven, we've seen witches, voodoo, frankensteins, sex-crazed murderers, and minotaurs. And, as of the past two episodes, flesh- and entrails-eating zombies that seem straight out of another cable network, AMC, which boasts The Walking Dead as its biggest hit series.
And I mean hit. The Season 4 premiere of the zombie apocalypse series attracted a massive 16.1 million viewers, easily eclipsing the 5.5 million record viewers American Horror Story: Coven pulled in with its Season 3 premiere. But does The Walking Dead deserve to be beating American Horror Story: Coven so deftly in the ratings? Absolutely not, based on the previous three seasons of The Walking Dead, and this undeniably stellar season of AHS: Coven. Because there are so many reasons why American Horror Story: Coven is far superior to The Walking Dead, 11 million viewers be damned.
So, after watching Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) fight back against the night walkers that attacked the coven on Wednesday night's new episode, we have no choice but to chronicle the reasons why American Horror Story: Coven is much, much better than The Walking Dead.
The Zombies Are Scarier
Okay, so a hoard of Walking Dead zombies in the middle of a city might be frightening, but a hoard of American Horror Story: Coven zombies in your front yard with a vengeance is terrifying. Whereas the AMC series' walkers are simply brainless beings hungry for flesh, the FX series' zombies — which include Madame LaLaurie's three tortured daughters — are brainless beings hungry for revenge. Seems revenge is a dish best served cold, literally. (Shudder.)
They Have Their Guns Under Control
Because American Horror Story: Coven is far too badass to succumb to the pistol-obsessed ways of The Walking Dead's senseless crew. Who needs guns (and more guns... and more guns) and crossbows when you have chainsaws and magic spells? Watching a witch or voodoo purveyor perfect their craft is far more interesting than spending an entire season watching dolts take gun lessons.
It Makes More Sense
That's right — a show that revived a 19th century racist torturer and features a minotaur is more believable than the zombie apocalypse series. After all, we are talking about a series in which a woman gets into a car accident on a deserted one-way street .
The Characters Are Actually Likable
No Shane head-rubbing or Dale Face(TM) to be found here. The Walking Dead is a unique show — viewers watching the series often find themselves rooting for the zombies over its puerile crew of survivors. On American Horror Story: Coven, however, viewers find themselves rooting for the most vile of people — including Jessica Lange's Fiona, a woman so desperate for youth and power, she's murdered no less than three innocent people. (And we're only four episodes in.) Perhaps she's powerful enough to cast a spell on The Walking Dead's troglodytes to make them more likable?
They Get Shit Done
Witch accused of murdering a young student? Investigate the witch. Witch (seemingly) admits to an acid attack on another? Burn the witch. On American Horror Story: Coven, decisions are made quickly, so, naturally, storylines can move along quickly. Spend an entire season trying to decide whether or not to kill someone we don't even care about? Not in New Orleans. But there's no time to discuss this now — the Witches Council has some work to attend to.
And Look Good Doing It
It Actually Shocks, and Petrifies, Us
Sorry, but no well walker is nearly as petrifying as Kyle's mom, who went from heartbroken middle-aged woman to disturbing predator faster than Zoe could say, "I've made a huge mistake." On American Horror Story: Coven, it seems nothing is off-limits — while The Walking Dead continues to introduce and predictably kill off menial characters, American Horror Story: Coven is murdering its starring characters, like Emma Roberts' Madison (who's still sitting pretty up in Spalding's dollhouse). With American Horror Story: Coven only running one season, it's impossible for any of its characters to overstay their welcome (ahem, The Walking Dead's Andrea) — once they do, they'll simply return in another form next year to be killed by Jessica Lange. And how horribly delicious that is for us TV horror fans.
Need we say more?
Image: Frank Ockenfels 3/AMC
Images: Michele K. Short/FX