One of the untold perks of being a bridesmaid is the bachelorette party. And, if you'll allow me to toot my own horn for a minute, I throw one hell of a bachelorette party. Just ask my friends. From my experience, it's all about catering to the bride-to-be. That means no strippers if she's not into it, not even as a joke, and spa treatments instead of club scenes if that's what her heart desires. Still, no matter how hard you plan, there are limitations on what you can do — namely money and distance. So imagine how amazing it would be to have a celebrity throw your bachelorette party: all of the locations that would open up to you, all of the luxuries that would be at your disposal, and all of the stuff you'd get for free.
We ended up on a private yacht at my best friend's bachelorette party because we drank too many margaritas too close to the water, and begged some rich Canadians to let us do shots with them on their boat. But, say, for instance, I had been Nicki Minaj. We wouldn't have had to coerce our way in with the rich and fabulous; we would have been the rich and fabulous, taking our own private yacht from port to port around our own private island or something.
It got me thinking about which celebrity would throw the best bachelorette party, and what would that party look like. Because, depending on the bride, she might prefer a Khloe Kardashian party to a Kelly Clarkson party. So here they are: the celebrities who (I imagine) would throw the best bachelorette parties, and what you can count on happening at them. Grab your penis pinatas and your sexy scavenger hunts, and prepare to imagine the time of your life.
1. Amy Schumer
This bachelorette party would be at the best dive bar in town, and, while slinging back shots, Schumer would lavish all attention on you, telling you how amazing you are at everything you do. When, after too many drinks, you start crying into your penis straw about what an amazing friend she is, she'll coo over you and promise you McDonald's, where she'll order every single value meal on the menu, and tell you it's because you deserve everything you want.
2. Rebel Wilson
This bachelorette party is not for the faint of heart. Think: drinking beer until you can't even feel the illegal tattoo she convinced you to get from the guy in the back of a food truck, where she fed you tacos every time it hurt; strip joints that are BYOB and have signs on the door that say, "You can look, but we like it better when you touch;" and falling asleep on a stranger's stoop while she drunkenly insists that the cabs in this city stopped running forever ago, like, in the 1990's.
3. Lena Dunham
The night will start out at some alternative art show, where all of the women are asked to take off their bras and hang them from the ceiling. When you ask her what the difference is between this and Cowboy Ugly, she'll shrug her shoulders and take you to a Taylor Swift concert, where she'll scream over the music the entire time about what an amazing best friend Taylor is. At the end of the night, she'll let you all crash at her place in Brooklyn, where she'll take selfies with the group in nothing but her underwear, and insist that you form a group spoon to fall asleep, with her in the middle.
4. Taylor Swift
The night will start off with front row seats at a Kanye West concert (after the VMA awards incident, he's given her lifetime tickets to all of his shows), where you will dance like no one is watching until Kim Kardashian accuses you of spilling your vodka martini all over her fur boots, and her security guards ask you to leave. Swift will console you at some hipster Brooklyn bar, where the menus are written on small chalkboards and men in tight jeans and weird hats fawn over you as you order artisanal cocktails from the ironically-clad waitress.
5. Amy Poehler
She'll keep the drinks coming, and say yes to everything, like going to an aerial arts class and keying a penis-shaped scratch into the side of your ex-boyfriend's BMW.
6. Anna Kendrick
For the laid back bride, the day would start with a morning hike in the hills of California and continue with an afternoon spent vineyard hopping on a not so classy party bus. In the end, you'd head to a club where you will get a private booth and argue over what decade produced the best music. But the DJ would be awesome, and every time he played a song from before 1998, you'd all get up and act like you were the only girls who have ever heard of Third Eye Blind before.
Only Sasha Fierce treatment for Beyoncé's bride. You'd spend the day at a spa on a private island, where you'd be draped in white silk robes and diamonds just because. In fact, you'd be dressed in white all night, moving en masse from the island via private plane to a club in downtown Manhattan, where you wouldn't leave your own private table because Bey doesn't do crowds. But, when the DJ played "Single Ladies," she'd hang back while you and your girls flocked to the dance floor to scream sing every word.
8. Mindy Kaling
For the homebody bride, the night would consist of online shopping, stuffing your face with sour gummy candy, staying in your pajamas, and painting each other's nails.
9. Kate Middleton
OK, hear me out. I know it's not for everyone, but, depending on what sort of soiree you like, partying with the Duchess of Cambridge might be just your thing. I mean picture it: a royal tea party fit for a princess! With plaid dresses! And fascinators! And really really expensive china! I'm a multi-faceted kind of girl, so I can see being almost as excited over tea and crumpets over watching Magic Mike happen in real life. I SAID ALMOST.
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