ICYMI, author E.L. James is set to re-release her international bestseller, Fifty Shades of Grey, from Christian Grey's perspective. No offense to the franchise, but I consider myself more of a fair-weather fan than a die-hard fanatic. Sorry. That being said, there is another sexy franchise that I could wax poetic about all the livelong day — Sex and the City. Seriously, guys, I own the pink-velvet-laden boxset and, yes, I answered all the trivia questions correctly. P.S., my bonus disc told me I'm most like Miranda, which is cool, but I always considered myself more of a Carrie. Which character are you?!
Moving right along, Fifty Shades and SATC are obviously very separate entities, but they did have a few things in common. Notably, the female leads of both serve as narrators and both include a complex male protagonist — Christian Grey and Mr. Big, respectively. If you're like me, watching the story arc between Carrie and Mr. Big throughout six seasons was equal parts swoon-worthy and agonizing. I often found myself toggling between thoughts of "Mr. Big is totally 'the one' for Carrie" and "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY?!" during pretty much every episode the commitment-phobic casanova would make an appearance. We got to know Mr. Big pretty well over the years, but we never fully understood the depths of his psyche when it came to certain behaviors, which brings me to this one imperative question: what would SATC have been like from Big's perspective? Let's take a hypothetical look season-for-season, shall we?
Season 1: "I Hope She Doesn't Notice I Have Severe Commitment Issues"
In Season 1, Big was introduced as the suave businessman (what was his job, again?) who made a serendipitous connection with Carrie that neither could deny. Although Big and Carrie were exclusive for a majority of the season, Carrie ended the relationship when Big's commitment issues showed no signs of receding. If Big was narrating Season 1, his inner monologue likely would go something like this...
"Wow, I really like this girl, but I've already been through enough failed relationships to know that I should keep this completely at arms-length. I also have a lot of money. OMG, look at all this money I have! Do I love Carrie? Well, not gonna worry about that right now. I'm going to put the minimal amount of effort into this relationship and assume that she'll be cool with it..."
Spoiler alert: she wasn't cool with it.
Season 2: "I'm Not Ready For This...Yes I Am...Am I?"
After what appeared to be a promising reconciliation between Carrie and Big in Season 2, Big relocated briefly to Paris for work and — when Carrie offered to come with him should his relocation become permanent — Big told her, "I don't want you to uproot your life and expect anything." Ouch. Obviously the two broke up, only for Carrie to later discover Big returned to New York and had become engaged — engaged! Seriously, what was this guy thinking? I have a few ideas...
"I totally love Carrie, but that's really confusing and I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready for what she wants. I wish relationships could be easier. HEY! This woman I just met in Paris seems pretty uncomplicated and how irrational would it be for me to get engaged? Infatuation is fun and so is money, which I have a ton of. Diamond ring it is. I'm sure Carrie will be cool with this."
Spoiler alert: She wasn't cool with it...at all.
Season 3: "I've Made A Terrible Mistake"
Ugh. In Season 3, we watched Carrie find happiness again with the pathologically adorable Aiden, only to have Big crash her monogamy party with the news that he "made a mistake" by marrying the wrong woman and was still in love with Carrie. There was a really hot elevator scene between the two and an extramarital affair that — surprise, surprise — got super messy and hurt all parties involved. Big seemed to realize his mistakes by the end of the season and showed a hint of emotional growth. While we got enlightened via scenes and narration as to how Carrie felt during and after the situation, what was Big feeling? Hmmm...
"Well, that marriage wasn't the best idea I've had. I think Carrie is the one, but now I'm married so that makes things a little tricky. Wait, does Carrie have a new boyfriend?! Now I'm even more in love with her! I probably shouldn't pursue things, is what a rational person would say. Oh, hey, alcohol is delicious. Suddenly I feel like pursuing another woman when I'm married will go perfectly fine."
Spoiler alert: It went terribly.
Season 4: "Friendships Are The Best Ships!"
Compared to Season 3, things with Big were relatively tame during the following season. He and Carrie were actually able to do the unthinkable by maintaining a solid friendship, even after Carrie reconciled with Aiden. After Aiden and Carrie called off their engagement, Big moved to California for work, but made sure Carrie knew how important she was to him by leaving a record for her with the note "If you ever get lonely," and a plane ticket to California with a note that read, "If I ever get lonely." Aww! Obviously Big's narration wouldn't have been as exciting during Season 4, but here it goes...
"Apparently I'm not that awesome at relationships at this point in my life, but I sure as heck make a great friend. Aiden is actually a cool guy. I really doubt Carrie is actually going to go through with marrying him, though, since her and I are still in love but it's fun to not acknowledge that for the time being."
Spoiler alert: Yeah, she didn't go through with it.
Season 5: "Wow, I Was Kind Of A Jerk"
Season 5 was decidedly brief, and with that brevity came very little opportunity to get an adequate Big fix. Still, we saw a much more enlightened Big during the episode "The Big Journey", where Carrie visited him in California while promoting her book. Being that the trials of their relationship was a prominent topic in said book, Big was notably aghast to see his past mistakes in print, and ended up apologizing profusely to Carrie about his past behavior. His narration of Season 5 can be summed up pretty concisely...
"Wow, I was kind of a jerk."
Spoiler alert: Yeah, he kind of was.
Season 6, Part 1: "I'm Really Close To Coming Around"
During the first half of Season 6, Big returned to New York City and revealed to Carrie that he was going to be having heart surgery. When Carrie helps him recuperate — wearing a candy striper outfit and with dominos in tow — Big begins running a fever and tells Carrie "we only have so much time...what are we doing?" As all our respective hearts were sent aflutter, that elation was dismantled once Big became distant the next morning — WOMP WOMP! What was Big thinking?
"Wow, I've been in love with Carrie for a really long time now. Commitment issues can get boring over time. Screw it, I'm just going to go for it already and tell her I lo—AHHH OMG LOVE IS SO SCARY! Never mind. I hope she's cool with this."
Spoiler alert: Nope! Still not cool with it.
Season 6, Part 2: "I've Finally Come Around!"
So. Many. Feels. Amiright? While Carrie was getting ready to move to Paris with Aleksandr Petrovsky, we saw Big finally eschew his previous views on monogamy as he prepared to tell Carrie how he felt about her in hopes of reconciliation. Carrie was initially having none of it, which is understandable after being jerked around for six years. As all us die-hard fans know, Big flew to Paris and found Carrie, told he she was "the one" and we got the squee-worthy ending we had all been waiting for! Was the ending realistic? Eh...I loved it regardless. If Big had been narrating the second part of Season 6, I feel like it would pretty much go like this...
"OMG I LOVE CARRIE! OMG I LOVE CARRIE! OMG I LOVE CARRIE!"
Spoiler alert: Yay!