10 Things That Every Happy Couple Is Tired Of Hearing, Because You Really Didn't Give Up Any Freedom To Be Together
It takes a lot of hard work to find someone you actually enjoy being around, and even more to find someone you actually want to date. With all the stories of online dating catastrophes and terrible breakups, it's pretty much a miracle when you discover that you're in a happy relationship. But beware just because you're ridiculously content with your relationship doesn't mean that other people will be, too.
I'm pretty quiet when it comes to dating. My boyfriend and I aren't in each other's profile pictures or listed in as being in a relationship on Facebook. When we're in public, we might hold hands or give each other a peck on the lips if we're feeling really wild, but we keep the PDA to a minimum. Even though we save all the lovey-dovey stuff for when we're in a more private environment, we still get plenty of side-eye just for acting happy together in public. While it might be because we're both just really ugly and have yet to realize it, one lady came up to me last month, squeezed me right on my hip (?!?!?!?!) and said, "Well, aren't you two just the cutest," with a nasty sneer. Our crime? He had his hand around my waist while we were waiting at a crosswalk.
I'm all about celebrating the single life and the idea that we're all strong, independent humans who don't need no relationships, but there seem to be a lot of folks out there who are genuinely upset when they see happy couples. Whether it's their own jealousy coming into play or just the fact that they kind of hate the way people's faces look when they smile, they seem to find any way possible to make couples feel bad about enjoying spending time around each other. But quite frankly, I'm all a bit tired of the negativity. If you say any of these things to a happy pair, don't be surprised when the only response you get is a dramatic eye roll.
1. "Just wait until you get past the honeymoon stage."
People who say this seem to think that every stage of a relationship is the "honeymoon stage." You've only been dating a month? That's not nearly enough time to know each other's flaws. You just got married after dating for five years? Just wait until the reality of marriage really sinks in. Just celebrated your 60-year anniversary? Hope you're prepared for what happens after you've both been dead for twenty years and you see who they truly are on the inside. If two people are happy, let them be happy. They'll figure out the tougher stuff when they get to it.
2. "My ex and I were just like you two until everything went to hell."
You need some cream and sugar to tone down all that bitterness? I know that seeing people in love is pretty high up there on the scale of Things That Really Suck when you're getting over a breakup, but there's no reason to take a dump on someone else's lawn just because yours isn't green enough. If you can keep your mouth shut and stay up all night cackling maniacally over imagining the enamored couple's downfall instead, everyone ends up happy.
3. "Don't you two ever get sick of each other?"
Of course we do. But even after a long day of assembling IKEA furniture together, the fact remains that we can tolerate each other better than we can tolerate most people after such a taxing endeavor. Everyone needs a break from other people after some length of time, but people in happy relationships only need a couple of hours away from each other as opposed to a couple of months.
4. *Gagging noise*
I know, I know, I kissed my partner on the cheek and caused you to exceed your recommended daily dose of PDA, but unless you're actually going to vomit, spare me. If a couple is actually 69-ing next to you, by all means, tell them to tone it down. But small displays of affection between couples are normal. Pretending to choke on nothing, on the other hand, is not.
5. "Don't you get scared about having sex with the same person for the rest of your life?"
Consistent sexual chemistry, successful communication about likes and dislikes, and knowing they're not just going to peace out after we finish? Ugh, please, anything but that. Sexual compatibility is necessary for any good relationship, so if the couple in question seems to be a-ok with staying together for a very long time, they're probably not too concerned about enjoying the same set of genitals for the rest of their lives.
6. "Good for you guys, but I prefer my freedom."
I now present an exhaustive list of liberties I had while single that I no longer have because I'm in a relationship: 1. Going on terrible Tinder dates. 2. Picking my nose with reckless abandon. Neither of these "freedoms" were too hard to give up when I traded them in for on-demand cuddles, but if being able to dig for boogers wherever and whenever is that important to you, then I'm not going to tell you how to live your life.
7. "I'm happy for you and everything, but things were a lot more fun when you were single."
I get it — going on the prowl to hunt down some sexy humans is fun. But just because we're taken doesn't mean we can't be an awesome wingman/woman. If your friend has genuinely changed since they got into a relationship, it's totally fine to talk to them about it. But if the only reason you were friends with them in the first place was because you needed someone else who was single to go out with, it's a dick move to tell them you no longer enjoy hanging out with them just because they've found someone who makes them happy.
8. "We would have invited you, but now that you're coupled up and everything... yeah..."
Have you started to notice a strange growth forming between your friend and their significant other that will soon physically bind them together forever and oh God what's it doing to her face? If not, it's probably safe to invite them to social gatherings that won't involve their significant other. If you're planning on having a girls'/ guys' night and would prefer they come alone, just tell them. But unless you're going speed-dating, there's really no reason for you to deliberately exclude someone based on their relationship status.
9. "Don't you think you're a little too young/busy/human-shaped to be committing yourself to someone?"
Some people think that you need to wait until a special planetary alignment occurs before you should actually get into a relationship. They'll find every excuse in the book to try to convince you to sashay away from any sort of commitment that they feel would be a hindrance to the enjoyment of your twenties or international job opportunity. Who cares if they're not "the one?" If it's legal, you're happy, and you're not hurting anyone, then be the committiest committer that ever committed if that's what your heart desires.
10. "I know this guy/girl who would be perfect for you, but you're still with _______, so..."
Brace yourself, because this might sound totally crazy: If I wanted to be with a different person, I wouldn't be with my significant other. So weird, right?! For me, the person I am currently dating is perfect for me, so please help your unclaimed Prince or Princess Charming find someone else to woo.
Images: Eleazar/Flickr; Giphy (10)