I bought my first set of lingerie online at the age of 27. When frexting my friends for opinions once it arrived, many assumed it was a bold swimsuit. This isn't meant to insinuate any sort of prudishness on my end; I think sexuality is super fluid and rad and people should enjoy their own in whatever consensual way they want. It just took one tipsy Thursday to test my theory and order a set. Just to see what would come of it. (Spoiler: it was a dumb waste of money.) I never bothered wearing lingerie before because I had a hunch that being naked would always be sexier, and also free, which I enjoy very much.
I feel the same way about lingerie as I do about fancy wrapping paper: It can be complicated, it costs unnecessary dollars, and ultimately it just keeps you away from the good stuff longer than is reasonable. I guess movies and magazines popularized the concept of "treating your partner" with some smokin' new series of knots and feathers and junk dangling from your body like some ridiculous network of Christmas ornaments. As a person who is attracted to men, I gotta admit that I am relieved lingerie for men hasn't exactly attained mass popularity. Take it off, I say! Burn it! Or better, just don't buy it. After all, nudity is healthy. It's natural and BONUS: it's pretty dang hot. Here's why you should choose naked over lingerie:
It's instant
Who has time to wait around for all the extra disrobing? Also, TBH, getting skinny jeggings off sweaty summer legs is difficult and robs us of enough time anyway. Why add to that? We've got places to be, people to bang. Let's go.
It could save your partner some stress
Listen, I already super hate to discover a button fly while, y'know, already deep in the midst of things. But then there's the possibility of MORE STEPS between you and getting someone naked? Although the feathery thong you purchased special for this post-Applebee's date night is probably way adorable in some warped Rock-A-Doodle way, chances are your partner will have no immediate idea how to help free you of it. I mean, I get that part of the idea of lingerie is allowing others to ogle you in it some prior to its shedding—but how long can a person pretend they're admiring stitchwork while secretly hunting for a zipper? Snaps? Hooks? ANYTHING? WILL YOU DIE IN THIS SEXY ROOSTER COSTUME??
...So much stress
Have you ever had a lover/crush/person-of-boneable-interest write and then play a song for you? Or even just play a song that someone else wrote that they want to play for you? It's a very nice gesture but it also could cause quite the uncomfortable experience—namely with eyeball stuff. Do you watch their hands on the guitar? Make eye contact? Close your eyes completely? This dilemma holds up for skimpy underthings. I have no idea if there is a standard protocol of how long a person is supposed to openly appreciate your effort, financial and spiritual investment when they peel off your maxi dress to find nylon spiderwebs darting across your boobs.
It's free
This one seems the most obvious reason, but I promise it goes deeper than that. Not only is it nice to save money. Saving money on something could arguably be an item used to entice your partner means you could spend it on something else. It's math, guys. Come on.
Thongs are kinda gross
I get the necessity born between the demands of fashion when combined with vagina activities means sometimes thongs need to happen (like, say, when you gotta rock this division-wide meeting so that calls for some close-fitting Lycra pants that make you feel like the badass diva you are but oh whoops you're also heavy on discharge this specific day. This is a circumstance that would make a thong mandatory). However, flossing your butt in front of anyone—especially someone you hope to mash organs with in the near future—seems counterproductive. Clearly I'm alone in this opinion but whatever. Regardless of whether or not I'm "wrong" here (I'm not), G-strings and thongs make vaginas more prone to infection. Since the literal cords of fabric roll around in your crotch and up your ass, it can cause friction while you walk around and live your life (in this scenario, that last part might be leaping from bits of furniture in a little The Floor Is Lava roleplay/foreplay). When that happens, it can cause abrasions which germs just love. And that makes infections. Gross.
It's surprising
I feel like the whole no-underwear/bra thing gets best results in relationships that have chugging a minute. It catches your partner off guard when—after feeding each other four packs of Sour Punch Straws—a steamy make-out leads to a under-the-shirt cop and surprise! Pure, unbridled boob. Weee.
It's fun
The time leading up to the big unveil can be more exciting when naked under your clothes and not in an unravelling partial nylon catsuit. It's like a little secret. Not to mention, it doesn't totally suck if you catch yourself by chance grinding on the crotch part of some jeans while wondering around. And hey! If that happens, you're doing a bit of the turn on work yourself. Your partner will be thankful.
It builds and shows confidence
What's more attractive than confidence? No, but really. The moments before the whole horizontal hustle thing are crucial in solidifying your own—it's definitely not the time to be nervously adjusting your sequined butt hole cover or what-have-you. It's a very effective way to communicate, "Here I am and I want your body on top of/in between/under/smashed against a wall with yours." Loud and clear.
It's primal
Some of the hottest sex is the kind that abandons much um, politeness. Nothing is more polite than doilies plastered on either ass cheek (don't challenge me on this). Turning up completely, wildly naked is the way nature intended it. Like our ancestors. Or...a sexier metaphor here. Whatever.
It's more unique
Unless you moonlight as a lingerie craftsperson yourself, chances are very good that lots of other people own and freely freak in the exact set you yourself plan to freak in. And if your partner has had any previous or other current partners, they might have seen someone else also sporting purple leopard print thing you've got. But even if they have not and never will see another human in the same get-up, just the idea that there are others out there doing very personal things in a a very impersonal uniform is kinda icky. This is you, straight-up. Ain't no one else in that.
Laundry is stupid
Especially persnickety garments and not one thing is more meandering and annoying than washing lingerie. Many mandate a gentle cycle through the tears of Turkish Angora kittens, fluff-dried by the hands of virgins would can't drive, and finished off with a quiet sun bake on the beach Rihanna once got high on for at least 14 hours. Nope. Not doing that. Hand wash? Are you insane? Skip the madness and go forth to bang freely sans extra complications or hold-ups. You deserve it.
Images: rachel a. k./Flickr; Giphy (11)
