We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist based in San Francisco, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how women can have stronger, more intense orgasms.
Q: It took me a while to figure it out, but I finally learned how to orgasm! My first few orgasms felt really tiny. I figured I was still learning how to have them and thought they would become more intense. It’s been a few months though, and they still don’t feel all that pleasurable. Don’t get me wrong — it feels good! But I want my orgasms to feel stronger. What can I do?
A: Thanks for your question, and congrats on your first orgasm! Learning how to orgasm is an incredibly exciting process, and it’s natural to want to know what the “next step” is. Here are nine tips for making your orgasms even more pleasurable.
1. Do Your Kegels
Perhaps the best thing you can do to improve the strength of your orgasms is to exercise your PC muscles. These muscles form a sort of hammock around your sexual organs, and contract when you have an orgasm. You can locate your PC muscles the next time you’re urinating. Try to cut off your flow of urine before your bladder is empty. You’ll notice an internal “pulling up” type of feeling. Practice squeezing and releasing these muscles throughout the day, and during sex.
Kegels are really easy to do, but it can be tricky to remember to do them! If you need some help developing and sticking to a Kegel routine, check out the K-Goal by Minna Life or the Luna Smart Bead by LELO. Both products guide you through specific Kegel training routines, and the K-Goal app can connect to your smartphone and show you nifty visuals of your progress!
2. Figure Out Your Timing
How much time you give yourself before tipping over the edge into orgasm can affect how powerful those orgasms will be. Some women will have stronger orgasms if they go for gold quickly, while other women respond better to drawing things out. Your own personal timeline can vary from one sexual experience to another, but most women tend to fall on one end of the spectrum.
You can use masturbation to try to get a sense of your optimal timing. The next time you masturbate, try to get yourself to orgasm as quickly as possible. You may need to move your hand much faster, or use more pressure than you normally do. See what your orgasm feels like after this rigorous stimulation! The next time, try going as slowly and gently as you can. Get yourself to the edge of orgasm, then move your hand away and take a break. Get close again, and then take another break. Do this as many times as you can stand, and compare this orgasm to the faster one.
3. Experiment With Your Breath
How you breathe plays a big role in how you orgasm. Just like with timing, different women like different things. Some women find that focusing on their breaths and taking long, slow, deep breaths will make their orgasms more powerful. Other women feel more aroused with rapid, shallow breaths (just be careful not to hyperventilate). Yet others will feel their orgasm more intensely if they hold their breaths right before climaxing (again, don’t take this too far or you’ll risk passing out!). Try all three different types of breathing patterns, and see which one works best for you.
4. Compare Your Own Technique With Your Partner’s
Some women can have better orgasms using their own hands, since they’re able to be more in tune with exactly what they want from moment to moment. Other women will orgasm harder at the hands (or mouth!) of a partner, because they like the element of surprise that comes with not knowing what your partner is going to do next. Try comparing the orgasms you have on your own with the ones your partner gives you — without judgement.
5. Stay Sober
A lot of women will have a few drinks to put them more at ease before having sex. Alcohol might lower your inhibitions, but it can also greatly decrease your experience of pleasure. If you want to have stronger orgasms, lay off the sauce that day!
6. Bring In Reinforcements
Using a vibrator is one of the easiest ways to intensify your orgasms. Vibrators are able to deliver a type of sensation that hands, tongues, and penises simply can’t recreate. If you want to use a vibrator on your own, check out the unintimidating Mimi Soft by Je Joue. If you want to use one when you’re with a partner, check out the EVA by Dame Products. It tucks into your labial folds and unobtrusively gives you clitoral stimulation during partnered sex.
7. Use Lube
This is another easy win for stronger orgasms! Putting a little bit of lube on your clitoris will make everything feel so much better, even if you feel like you get “wet enough” on your own. Natural lubrication doesn’t last a particularly long time, so most women will get some mild chafing during sexual activity. Even if you’re not consciously aware of feeling pain, any sort of discomfort can decrease the pleasure of your orgasm.
8. Try Multiple Types Of Stimulation
If you’re trying to orgasm, you’re probably focusing the majority of your attention on your clitoris. That’s great! Seventy percent of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. But don’t forget about all of the other erogenous zones in your body. Stimulating different areas of your body simultaneously can lead to more intense orgasms.
A lot of women like the combination of penetration and clitoral stimulation. You can try touching your clitoris while your partner uses their hand inside of you. Have them make a “come here” motion with their fingers to stimulate your G-spot. Or you can try playing with your backdoor. A huge number of women will orgasm faster and stronger with just the smallest bit of pressure on the anus. Try having your partner use just a fingertip if you’re squeamish or new to anal play.
9. Love Your Body As It Is
Studies have directly linked body confidence with the ability to orgasm — and even with the quality of the orgasms themselves. Body confidence is a struggle for most women, and is obviously something that takes time. But knowing that you could improve your orgasm by being kinder to yourself just might be the motivation you need.
There’s also something to be said about accepting and loving your orgasm it as it is. It’s so easy for women to get wrapped up in not being “good enough,” and orgasm is another one of the endless number of ways that women can feel inadequate. It’s natural to want to experience as much pleasure as possible, but try not to obsess about your orgasm or judge yourself because of it. Enjoy and appreciate what you’ve got, and see where that takes you.
Want to learn more orgasm techniques? Check out my online orgasm school designed to teach women how to orgasm on their own and with a partner!
Images: Lulu Lovering/Flickr; Giphy