'Tis the season to be snotty! Allergy season, that is. If you're unlucky enough to be dealing with it, you're a blubbering mess of booger through Spring (and for some of us, well into Summer, sometimes even Fall, and if you're very, very unlucky, Winter too). It starts when the first buds appear on the trees outside. Your throat starts to feel a little scratchy, your eyes get watery and dry in unpredictable patterns. Your nose starts to get a little sniffly. By the time those buds bloom, and you walk down the street and call literally feel the pollen on your tongue and as you breathe it in, you're done for. That scratchy throat becomes a permanent fixture, you're constantly administering eyedrops to your eyes and there's snot running out of your nose and into your mouth constantly.
But don't despair. You can turn this around. If you're very crafty, and have the required dedication, you can turn all your gross allergy symptoms into fun, sexy style statements. I'm going to be real with you: it's not going to be fun and sexy for you, at all. It's still going to be the phlegm-filled hell hole you're used to. But your outward projection will make everyone else think you're fun and sexy, if you play your cards right. Here's how you can trick everyone by using your allergies to make you seem actually fun and sexy:
1. Tell people your runny nose is symptomatic of all the cool partying you've been doing
No one ever thought Kate Moss was uncool for having a constantly running nose. Quite the opposite, actually. Every time snot drips from your nose into your mouth, adjust your unreasonably large, dark sunglasses, sniff sharply, and say, "Oh I was at the craziest party last night; I can't really talk about it." Now everyone will think you're a super cool party girl who does cocaine, except SURPRISE! You haven't actually been killing yourself with illegal narcotics, you're just a loser who can't handle a little bit of extra pollen in the air.
2. When your eyes itch, play them off as bedroom eyes
When your eyes feel itchy from allergies, squint them for relief and pretend you are just throwing pure horn out into the room. Don't scratch, just concentrate on narrowing your eyes such that everyone you look at thinks you're trying to bone them.
3. Embrace your scratchy, husky throat and voice
Do I need to tell you how sexy a husky voice is? Don't cough, save all the phlegm lining your throat so you sound like Scarlett Johansson.
4. Let your smudged mascara seem purposeful
When your eyes water and your mascara smudges, don't worry. It gives you a mysterious Olsen-chic vibe. Embrace le smokey eye.
5. Play off your general discomfort as aloofness
Allergies piss you off. So you will probably walk around looking pretty put out most of the time. Use this to your advantage! People are terrified of nonchalance or a vague perturbedness. So use the fact that your sinuses are making you feel like you want to claw your face off and direct that feeling outward. There's nothing more chic than an IDGAF attitude!
6. Invest in a chic hanky
I bet Kanye West carries some kind of bespoke Givenchy handkerchief. There's no way that guy puts Kleenex on his nose. Buy some kind of luxury hanky for your boogers and watch people swoon and start whispering about whether or not you have a trust fund or just a really good job as you snot into some lovely silk thing.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (6)