I've been living a lie. For the longest time I have claimed that my first serious relationship was in college, so I could fit in with the rest of you dweebs. But the truth is, I am far more mature and experienced and worldly than that. My first relationship began when I was 18 months old—and yes, some people might frown upon our nonconformist love, but I don't need society's approval to know that it's real. That's right, world. I am cheesexual. I am in a relationship with cheese, and I am unashamed.
Like all couples, we've had our ups and downs. Cheese is not exactly sentient. It may occasionally expire. It may go all "strong and silent" on me whenever I need a listening ear, and no, it will probably never be the big spoon to my little spoon. But nobody's perfect, OK? I'm sure I have flaws too (maybe), and cheese has learned to accept them, because relationships are all about compromise. What I'm trying to say, guys, is before you judge, you should know that cheesexual relationships are every bit as whole and beautiful as all y'all's human ones, and it's time for us to speak our truth. If you are among the proud, the many, and the calcium-enriched, then you understand all of these signs that you are a cheesexual all too well:
You have more cheese dreams than sex dreams
Real talk: I woke myself up in the middle of the night last week sleep-talking about fictional dream cheese. Even my Ryan Gosling Sextopia Dream of 2013 (subconscious on fleek) will never compare to a dream about mac and cheese.
You can’t help but think about your next meal even when you’re having ACTUAL sex
"Hey, do you want to walk to that grilled cheese truck after this?" - A cheesexual's idea of dirty talk.
A meal without cheese feels like a meal that didn't count
If someone makes a burrito in a forest and there isn't any cheese in it, do the calories even count? (Also, why the hell would you go to a forest and forget to pack cheese? Idiot.)
The words "burnt cheese" basically make your pants fall off
Talk cheesy to me.
This video made you spontaneously orgasm
There are literally sex noises going on in the background. They are not even trying to hide the fact that this is porn.
You keep emergency cheese at work
Work fantasies: Eating cheese in the supply closet. Eating cheese in the break room. Eating cheese on your boss's desk.
You serve cheese as a side dish to your cheese
People who waste their time pretending to like soup are weak and will not survive the winter.
You've gotten hot and bothered in the cheese section at Whole Foods
STOP OFFERING ME FREE SAMPLES. THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE.
Liz Lemon is your religion
We are not worthy.
This is your idea of porn
AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN.
You've engaged in many, MANY threesomes
And foursomes. Sometimes even fivesomes. Mozzarella, cheddar, brie, jarlsberg, OH MY.
You never lose your cheese drive
They have to make pills for people who lose their sex drive, but you'll notice that there is no Vicheesra. A cheesexual's cheese drive never fades. We are always at our peak performance level, forever and always.
You're sadder about the charge for extra cheese than the charge for guac
Dream bigger, America. Your priorities are in all the wrong places.
You find remnants of cheese in your bed on the reg
Friend: "Is that a goldfish cracker in your sheets?"
Me: "Oof. Yeah. Last night was a doozy, let me tell you."
Friend: "Please don't, though."
The noises you make when you eat cheese have scared off Tinder dates
They may have been ready for your jelly, but they were not ready for you to publicly moan "take me right here" to a slice of pizza at 6PM on a Tuesday. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is your flirt game in a nutshell
No? *swipes left*
You're pretty sure this is what the gates of heaven look like