The Peak Time For Vibrator Searches Is At 4 a.m., Says Google Report, Plus When Men Are 3X More Likely Than Women To Search For Porn

What we type into Google isn’t top secret (but you knew that, right?) As any episode of Law & Order will show us, even if you take a sledge hammer to your computer, there are still ways to trace what you put out there into the Internet and what shady things you were looking up. For example, did you know that "pet adoption" is Googled most at 7:56 p.m.? Or that women search for porn more than men at midnight? How about that between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. people go searching for the meaning of life? Like a bizarre stalker from whom you cannot escape, Google is on to you and what weird sh*t you’ve been searching. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, if you didn’t know.

Proof that Google analysts really are keeping track of everything, Google released their findings of aggregated data right down to the very minute it was searched, anonymously, of course. What it found was that there are certain times that people Google certain things, like "forgot password," at 2:44 a.m. or "celeb news," at 12:44 a.m., and in releasing this information there’s a sort of unmasking of our inner thought process. More importantly, that we’re not alone in the fact that we research brain tumors and cancer every late night.

But this data is flawed. Although they have the total number tucked away, Google only releases the search rate of something and not the exact number of searches. As Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, of the New York Times, wrote, “If a search rate for a word is highest at 3 a.m., it means that of all the searches at that time, an unusually large percentage of them include that word.” Get it? Basically, Google is still on to you, so try not to overthink it.

If people are searching for answers to prayer, video games, and recipes at certain times, then of course they’re going looking for sex-related topics at specific times, too. Here’s what Google discovered about its sexy users.

1. “Porn”

The term “porn” is searched mostly between midnight and 2 a.m.. It is also searched 3x more than women, which I find rather interesting. I knew men liked their porn, but I didn’t realize they liked it that much more than us.

2. “Literotica”

According to the Google stats, perhaps the reason women aren't searching “porn" as much is because we’re into “literotica” instead. The most common time for women to search this word is between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m., because who doesn’t want to get off before heading to the gym or the office? An orgasm before the big meeting is the only way to go.

3. “Vibrators”

The peak time for the term “vibrators” to be searched is at 4 a.m.... and I'm guessing because the searcher probably had a romp that ended with either one or both partner wanting more. Why else would someone search for vibrators at that hour, if not out of frustration?

4. “How To Put On A Condom”

At 10:28 p.m., one of life’s most important questions is searched: “How to put on a condom.” Based on the time that this one peaks at, I’m going to say it’s likely done by high school students who have yet to grasp that fact that you need to pinch the tip if you don’t want the damn thing to break. I know that’s a mistake I made in my teens ― one too many times. You have to pinch that tip, you guys.

5. “Why Is My Poop Green”

A search just as important at “how to put on a condom” or “does it happen to everybody” is “why is my poop green.” This particular inquiry is most commonly searched between 6 p.m. and 7 p.m. (right before dinner), then again between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. (right when you’ve had that first bowel movement of the day.) I may not be a doctor, but if such a search is that common and peaking twice a day, I’d say green poop actually might not be a bad thing.

Images: Life-Of-Pix/Pixabay; Giphy(5)