Don't Say This To Someone In The Middle Of A Book

For some of us, reading is more than just a hobby: it’s an integral aspect of our personalities, and it likely features prominently on our OkCupid profiles. For some of us, it’s not the prospect of Happy Hour that gets us through the work day: it’s getting to finally take off the dreaded bra, pry out our contact lenses, and open up to where we left off after last night’s reading session. For some of us, collecting books isn’t something we do to flaunt as cultural capital (though our Instagram accounts may prove otherwise): it’s just the nature of the beast. That "beast,” by the way, is being a hermetic word-nerd who has way more books than either friends, dates, or reasons to pursue the latter two when she has so many books to get through.

For the *serious* reader, there is little else in this world that is as pleasurable as being in the thick of an amazing book. It’s like getting to snuggle with your kitty after a long vacation. (You can interpret that, by the way, either literally or sexually: both apply here.)

So you also know that one should never, ever interrupt a reader when she's finally got her face in that book. Not only should you not interrupt her in general, at all, unless you or she is in MORTAL DANGER, but you should particularly stay away from uttering these seven sentences. Because we know you mean well, but seriously, just shut up and let us finish our books.

"Oh, I read that book! I love the part where…"

Oh, great! Amazing! Shush because if I haven't gotten there yet, I will kill you with my bare hands.

"Oh, I read that book! I hated the part where…"

I mean, did you not hear me the first time? I love you, but please shut your face.

"Do you want to go see [insert new movie title here] with me?"

No. Just, no.

"But I haven’t seen you in forever!"

Don't even try to guilt me into doing social human activities. That's a cheap manipulative tactic, and it'll make me feel so horribly guilty that I'll want to escape even further into my book to avoid confronting my plummeting sense of self-worth.

"You should read [insert book title here] next."

OMG, I barely have the emotional space to handle what's going on in this book right now. Don't even alert me to the existence of other consuming works of art, because I can assure you I have reams of them as yet untouched.

"The movie was better."

First of all, I am spending my precious time on this book, so don't tell me that. Second, I'm sure it wasn't, you heathen.

The ending of the book.

I don't know what cruel human would do this and spoil the end of the book, but I feel I have to mention it, regardless. If you do this, you will lose all of your friends who are readers. And probably all of your friends. At the very least, I will mail you glitter.

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