Firstly, a confession. I'm not someone who tends to take charge in bed. I mean, I go for what's fun, but I'm sort of about the other person dictating what happens. But sometimes, if you're naturally more submissive, (even if that's your thing and you enjoy it), it can get a little imbalanced in a way you don’t really like. So I've got get over my back-seat instincts. I've recently been working on take a little more control, while still being submissive. It can be a difficult balance to find, but I'm not the only one that can struggles with knowing how to take charge in during sex.
There are a lot of reasons why you might find it difficult to be a little more in control in bed, but it's time to get in the driver's seat. It can mean a lot of different things to different people— maybe it’s picking the position, or providing a guiding hand, or maybe it’s just amping up the dirty talk a little bit. It’s totally up to you. It can feel a little uncomfortable, especially if it’s not what you’re used to, but it’s a great way to make it clear what you like and keep your sex life fresh all at once. So how do you know when it’s time for you take control? Here are seven times you need to take over:
1. You're Not Hitting The Big O
Orgasm equality, people. If that's your thing— I have some friends who, while they enjoy sex, orgasms aren't really the end game. That's totally cool, but for most of the destination is just as important as the journey when it comes to sex. No matter what you're gender, if you're not getting an orgasm you want, it's time for something to change.
2. You're Not Enjoying Yourself
It doesn't need to be a massive thing. But if you're not feeling into, and definitely if there's anything anything you're uncomfortable with, make a change. It feels so... gah... gross.. when you're having sex you're just not that into, and there's no reason to put up with it.
3. You're Worried That You're Inexperienced
OK, a few of my friends were late sexual boomers, and there's nothing wrong with that. But because they're less than confident in the bedroom, they tend to not get to involved, and just sort of go along with the flow. This tens to lead to them enjoying it less. But the only way to learn is to jump in with both feet (yeah so probably not the feet, but maybe with both hands). So if you're feeling unsure, get involved. You'll get a confidence boost and learn along the way.
4. The Power Balance Feels Unequal ... And Not In A Good Way
OK, maybe your whole dynamic is one of you being in charge. I love power play in the bedroom, but only if that's meeting both of your needs. If you're feeling like it's a little all about your partner's wants, put a stop to that immediately.
5. You're Missing Something
Have a favorite thing? Love some nipple play? Or having your ear nibbled? Wish she would slip a finger somewhere unusual? If everything's going great but you have one little itch, make a move and ask your partner to scratch it. Most people just love turning their partner on, so I'm sure they'll be all for it.
6. Your Sex Life Is In A Rut
Sometimes the sex is great but you feel like you're just doing the same thing over and over. It's fine for a while, but you better take charge and change things before things go really stale. Mix things up sooner rather than later.
7. Because You Feel Like It
Just go, girl. Truth is, you don't need a reason to take charge in bed. Do what feels good, as long as you're both happy. In the words of Nike: "Just Do It".
If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, watch the sex myths you believed as a child below (and subscribe to Bustle's YouTube page for more videos):
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