Anyone who's had one can attest that growing out a Brazilian wax is no joke, and is actually the worst part of a bikini waxing experience. Yes, the simple act of letting your hair grow naturally is worse and more painful than ripping out the hair around your vulva and in your butt crack. It sounds ridiculous and unbelievable, but it's true.
While the smoothness, breeziness, and increased sensation that come with a bikini wax seem so worth it at first that you totally forget all about what you went through to grow that bush out before hopping on that paper-covered table, the harsh wake up call two weeks later is seemingly inevitable.
Growing out a Brazilian, regular bikini line, or in-betweeny wax job can be pure agony and make you question everything: Like whether the people who perform bikini waxes are torturers who get off on causing people pain, or whether you might actually be subconsciously punishing yourself for some awful wrongdoing you committed in a past life.
One thing's a (minor) comfort, though: Knowing that you don't have to go through this alone and that there are other babes out there who can commiserate and literally feel your pain. Hey, I said it was a minor comfort.
Here are the eight emotional stages of growing out a bikini wax:
1. The False Alarm
You feel the first little itch coming about a week and a half into your new wax. One morning you wake up convinced that the first new little hair is growing in. It's not, and you're still smooth as a marble, but phantom itch is so real.
You know it's been 16 days since you visited the spa. You know what to expect by now. Yet you refuse to acknowledge that it's time. You keep your mind focused on how great your vulva feels, immersing yourself in positive self talk. You can totally apply The Secret to your labia, right?
3. Giving In
OK, fine: Your wax is officially through being sweet and is about to go full on monster up in those follicles. You've admitted it and are bracing yourself for hell week.
4. Scratching Like A Mofo
You finally understand why animals scratch against trees. When you're not sneaking away to scratch the pube cacti emerging from under your skin, you're thinking about it. Itch relief is all that you think about these days.
At this point, it's not just new hair growing in: It's in-growns. All of them. Somehow every single hair follicle and pore has teamed up against you to exact revenge and they are doing it my holding your pubic hair hostage in tiny little globes of agony. You will steam, scrub, and apply salicylic acid products all over your vag in hopes of some sort of solution. Nothing works. Everything is terrible.
What has been a week — but has felt like a real time lapse of every single season of All My Children — has passed. How on Earth are there still new hairs sprouting? Didn't their mama ever tell them it's rude to be late? You swear that once they come in you will leave them be in peace and never wax again.
Finally, you've reached peace with your vulva and remember what it's like not to actively hate every second of being conscious. Sigh, this is the good life.
Hmmm... your hair seems like it's long enough to warrant a wax. And you do have that appointment you made at the end of your last spa visit. I mean, you love being smooth and it's always so much worse in your head, right?
Images: AngelaCianciolo/Flickr; Giphy