There comes a time in many women's lives when they decide to to suck it up (more like suck it in) and squeeze into a pair of Spanx. There are the rookies who are bound to go through the emotional stages of wearing Spanx for the first time and then there are the vets who are slapping on two pairs of shapewear daily. Still, no matter how many times a woman wears Spanx, it's never truly a comfortable experience. It's safe to admit we have a love-hate relationship with our Spanx. Sure, their ability to alter our bodies are kind of mind-blowing, but we eventually snap back into reality and we're instantly hit with the agony of our body being crushed from all of the pressure (not to mention wondering whether you can really ever stay body positive in shapewear).
Based on my experience, you might contradict yourself so many times when taking a stab at wearing Spanx for the first time. You might praise your shapewear for the way it makes you feel while simultaneously wondering why it can't be more comfortable. We wish it didn’t have to be this way, but we all knew beauty was pain when we stepped into womanhood, and that's why I cycled through the following emotions after wearing Spanx for the first time. You might have too.
Let's be honest here. Pretty much no one is truly excited about wearing Spanx (unless something about stuffing your body into them like a can of biscuits waiting to explode is your kind of thing). However, what does excite you the first time you wear Spanx is the thought of how you'll look in that tight, little cocktail dress afterwards. Now, you can't get your shapewear on fast enough! The suspense nearly kills you as you slip on your Spanx.
You've had your Spanx on for an hour or two and you're starting to wonder what all the fuss and hatred was about. You feel fabulous! You're strutting all over the place like your 4-year-old niece when she puts on her princess dress and mommy's heels. The discomfort of cinching all of those precious organs that keep you alive has yet to kick in. They say ignorance is bliss, after all.
Ahhh, now you're feeling it. You try to hold it together. You're smiling on the outside, telling yourself it's all good and you don't feel even the slightest bit of discomfort. On the inside, underneath all that spandex, you're slowly dying. It's only natural that your thoughts reduce you to thinking If Kim K can wear a skin, tight latex dress while pregnant then I got this, right?
OK, things have gotten worse fast. You've gone from denying the pain to considering lashing out from the agony of it all. You're starting to feel like the Incredible Hulk.
You've hit rock bottom! You're thinking, "How could I have done this to myself?" The guilt phase starts to set in as you feel terrible for involving your body in your shenanigans. Your abdomen and glutes are practically crying out to you for freedom and you can't help but feel overcome with guilt for imprisoning them like some wild animal in a zoo.
You start telling yourself things like, "If I can endure it all for one more hour, I can dart out of here and rip this body suit off in the car." Let's get real though: Getting those Spanx off in the car is mission impossible. When you realize that bargaining is a fail, there's only one more stage to endure...
At the end of your adventure, there's only one thing you can do: accept yourself — which includes the fact that you’ll probably give in to them again.
Images: @jenziethejokeman/Instagram; Giphy (7)