First of all, I'd like to establish the very legit distinction between "straight-up lazy" and "inherently lazy." The first type means, essentially, a blob person — someone who does not currently and does not ever want to care. They are human bean bags. The second, "inherently lazy," entails a person who still functions as (mostly) normal, but at their core would be happiest laying completely still with plenty of food and drink within easy reaching distance. We're talking the second type today. Inherently lazy people find certain things horrifying, some of which we will discuss today in this very post.
I'm not crazy about the phrase "lazy," for starters. I suppose a better fitting description would be "leisure enthusiast." Even that sounds insane, but seriously? In this wild society that associates business as a badge of honor, leisure is a lost art—an appreciation that needs to come back in vogue.
While we work on making leisure a cool thing again, let's suss what doesn't vibe well with inherently lazy people. Frankly, many situations will legit horrify those of us identifying as such. Not too too many — we don't have energy to freak out all the time — but when we do decide a scenario is worth panicking over, it counts. Such as:
Picking up food to-go
This is borderline offensive. Miracle businesses such as Seamless, GrubHub, Ziffy, and like...old-school pizza delivery exist for a reason. Why are you rendering them totally moot? Rude.
Methodically untangling...anything
If it doesn't come undone in three shakes, it wasn't meant to be. Shh, shh. Onto the next concern.
Dressing for unpredictable weather
Ugh. Can't weather just commit? It's not that hard and it certainly makes my morning less of a meditation chamber of garbage.
Dressing up to travel
I don't know any of these people! I don't live here! I will wear yoga pants OR DIE, gladly.
A completely packed social agenda
People? Expecting you to show up to places? And...say or do things? This can happen every so often but you'd really prefer it maxes it out around one or two nights a week — AT MOST.
Strict punctuality expectations
Wouldn't it be so much more dope if doctors regularly practiced scheduling appointments with a 30-minute arrival window? Because as it turns out, very often time-sucks will present themselves threatening punctuality. And it's not even your fault...really.
Preparing food
Cans of beans are only about 20 cents more expensive than the dried stuff. Why subject yourself to the horrifying concepts of planning ahead or patience without an actual financial incentive? Also, have you ever looked at how croissants are made? Did you know those come in cans? No.
Food that requires effort to eat
Peeling shrimp? Corn-on-the-cob? Bruschetta? What is this — the freaking Olympics? I'm just trying to get fed, y'all. Plus, like, with normal, simple options such as pizza and chips, why bother?
Thong underwear
I'd much rather simply wear a thing that doesn't necessitate my ass cheeks be separated. They're friends. They like being together. If I absolutely have to accommodate some stupid, panty-line-showing apparel, commando it is.
Clothes with crazy care instructions
I'll edit those from "hand wash in cold water and air dry only" to "single-wear." Easy!
Ironing
If the wrinkles won't erase in the steam of a shower I was taking anyway, I deem the item pretentious and honestly no longer worth owning.
Lost remotes
...oh.
Navigating crowds
But...there's no wait for a drink at my apartment. And sitting is an option. As is laying.
Group exercise classes?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Nope.
Drinking games
Here's a game: I'll hold this beer, tilt it back into my mouth hole, and get drunk. I have no extra brain space to surrender to memorizing idiotic rules. Plus I'm not really into bonding, so.
When people act like naps aren't a real, necessary thing
Bye.
Images: Paramount; Giphy(16)
