My love/hate relationship with the human race is about as hard to keep up with as the Kardashians. There is no denying that I am an extrovert. I am not by any means shy, and what I lack in social grace I totally make up for in a complete and utter lack of shame. But while I have no struggle relating to people or making friends, I also, like, hate humanity. When I am talking to a person I've just met I am already resenting them for not being my Netflix queue. When I get an invite to a Facebook event my whole brain shudders with dread. If I walked into a party full of exclusively semi-naked Chris Pratt clones serving grilled cheese and jamming to Taylor Swift, I'd still be coming up with a hundred excuses to leave before midnight. I am an antisocial extrovert, and my priorities make absolutely no sense.
I don't mean to act all put upon about hanging out with my friends, because I love my friends. I especially love them when we are sitting on one of our couches in pajamas and dead to the rest of humanity. The real struggle for antisocial extroverts begins as soon as those friendships get tangled with the ~real world~, the hellish landscape that requires social etiquette and forced enthusiasm and pants. We endure it because we must, and we doubly endure it because it is supposed to be in our extroverted nature. But the truth is, us antisocial extroverts aren't really about that outdoor life — in fact, here are all the situations we completely and utterly dread:
When someone makes last minute plans with you, and they already know you’re not busy
It's like being on the front lines of a social battle. You're dead before you even get to load your gun.
When someone catches you lying about bailing on plans
Because you let slip that you finally finished The Office for the eighteenth time last night, SELF-FIVE!!, instantly discrediting your lie about that place you were going for that thing with that human. Foiled again.
When you are at a giant party experiencing the biggest FONMO ever
FONMO: Fear Of Not Missing Out. Because literally all you want to do right now is make sweet, sweet love to a slice of pizza sitting in your own damn bed.
When you’re trapped in a boring conversation you keep perpetuating
Every time you enthusiastically nod to encourage the other person to go on, you die a little more inside.
When someone else suggests a hangout, and everyone just sort of not-so-subtly defers to you to make all the plans
There is no greater villain than the one who initiates group texts, but like Loki, you are burdened with glorious purpose.
When you want to talk to someone to pass the boring time, but the music is way too loud
I SAID, I JUST FOUND THIS AWESOME NEW UNDERWEAR FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR PERIOD —
*music cuts*
Oh. Hey everyone.
When you have nothing in common with someone but have to pretend you do because you’re scared of a conversation lull
Or, alternately, scared of looking like an idiot. So go on. Tell me more about that hipster band I accidentally said I'd heard of when I thought you meant something else. Let's talk about it all night. (help)
Whenever there is any awkward silence, ever
I AM OBLIGATED TO FILL IT LEST THE EARTH IMPLODE.
Whenever you’re going on a blind date
The sweet temptation of knowing that you are one shady cancellation text click away from putting on your sweatpants with the hole in the butt crack and scrolling through Tumblr all night is too much for your brain to handle.
When a friend guilt trips you into going to a thing you were going to skip so they don't have to be alone
YOU ARE LUCKY I LIKE YOU, YOU PERFECT STUPID FACE, YOU.
*gets a bunch of free alcohol*
*has a great time*
*is still super bitter about it*
When the introverted people at parties are confused that you’re hiding with them
Plz accept me as One Of Your Own. Quick. Before the other humans discover me here and drag me back.
Whenever you get a text from someone you haven’t heard from in awhile
UGH, now you're going to have to exchange pleasantries and ~catch up~ and confess that yeah, you're still single, eating primarily out of a string cheese bag, and drinking out of $5 wine bottles. It's not that you're ashamed, or don't like this human. It's just that you could have been using those 20 minutes to nap instead.
When you physically run into someone you haven't heard from in awhile
Spotting someone in real life is like accidentally leaving "read receipts" on your phone, except SO MUCH WORSE. Thankfully the antisocial extroverts of 2015 have smart phones they can strategically bury their faces in to avoid contact — but only if you spot the prey first.
When someone wants to make plans in advance to make sure you can make it
Oh! How...sweet of you! You don't have to do that!
No seriously don't do this to me dear god.
When someone assumes you didn’t go out because you were mad at them
"No, I love hanging out with you, I also just don't want to do it in public, ever" is somehow not an adequate string of logic.
When someone follows you into the bathroom
The bathroom is our Safe Space. We may be peeing, yes, but while we expel our urine, we are also expelling all of our desires to steal a bunch of breadsticks and leave so we can eat them on the floor of our own apartment. The pack mentality of bathrooms is our downfall. There is no peace here. Only chaos and other humans.
God help us.
Images: Courtesy of Traci J. Brooks Photography; Giphy(8)
