Between mustachioed guys from dating apps who spend the first date oversharing about their startup idea to girls whose schedules suddenly got “really busy” when planning a second date, 21st-century dating can feel grim. From ghosting to lovebombing to breadcrumbing, the dictionary of ways to be mistreated grows longer by the day.
But in the endless hunt for connection in the modern world, there’s a shimmering light in the darkness: romance novels. So, bedraggled and bruised by the dating world, I attended RomCon — indie romance publisher 831 Stories’ first-ever convention — in search of answers.
Taking place on Oct. 24 in Brooklyn’s Industry City, RomCon was a full-day affair. Starting with coffee and pastries and concluding with a Magic Mike Live performance, programming included author signings and panels on everything from the politics of romance to sex scenes to the controversial (but necessary?) third-act breakup. Love stories from the romance bookstore The Ripped Bodice were available for purchase.
While listening to authors and mingling with fellow attendees, I got some insight into how modern romance should look and — more importantly — feel.
No, your standards aren’t too high.
When you’re used to begging for a text back, receiving the bare minimum can feel like princess treatment. But at RomCon, people agree: you’re worth more than that.
“I’m a cynic when it comes to romance," says Carrie Wittmer, author of First Famous Christmas. “But when I was writing this book I found myself getting more and more romantic and expecting romance. I’ve been with the same man for 12 years, so it reinvigorated something in me. I started craving more, and I think that that’s OK.”
On a panel called “Romance in Real Life,” author Upasna Barath shared that the process of writing her novel, Comedic Timing reshaped her understanding of relationships.
“My editor thought was David being a huge d*ck to Naina. I was like, ‘What? I thought it was sexy when a man negs you.’ She was like, ‘What are you talking about? No one is going to root for them to get together if they don't feel like there is chemistry rooted in mutual respect,’ she says. “That kind of forced a mirror in front of me. I had to ask myself what have my dating experiences been up until this point and what is my current definition of sexy? The more that I approached it from that lens, the more it felt like my characters’ love was earned.”
Love can be freeing.
On a panel titled Pleasure, Power, and the Politics of Romance, moderator Sanjana Basker asked about whether writing toward happy endings is liberating. Author Regina Black said yes.
“With Black characters, the expectation is there will be some sort of trauma in there, and those are our stories that tend to get the most attention, and that tends to get the awards.” she says. “So to put a Black body in a story that is guaranteed happiness is liberating in some way.”
Real love (and really good sex!) can happen at any age.
On the same panel, writer and sociologist Tressie McMillan Cottom spoke about the misconception that most women over 40 lose their libido.
“There is this sense that desirability and your ability to desire somehow wanes. So even in our conversation about Oftentimes, menopause and the change in a woman's body are associated with a decrease or winding down in one's desire to be f*cked,” she says. “For me especially, it was in my late 30s and 40s where I had crystallized down to a science exactly who I was sexually, what I wanted, how I wanted it to happen. I personally feel like you are not freer sexually than when you're in your 30s and 40s because you're just like, ‘Let's get past the bullsh*t.’”
The best love is shared between friends.
Readers stick together. As book influencer Tavi Jarvis put it, romantic connections aren’t always the most important. “Both of my parents died,” she says. “And in the romance book community I have found my chosen family.”
Nola Gallo, a kindergarten teacher, also found community in romance. “I went to a lot of 831Stories signings and events, and it was such a fun way to get out and about and meet people,” she says. When she mentioned to 831 Stories co-founders Claire Mazur and Erica Cerulo that she wasn’t sure if she could swing the price of a RomCon ticket, they comped her attendance.
Love is everywhere: in relationships, in friendships, in community. Sometimes, you only need to go out looking for it.
