Ahh, the good life. If only you knew how much you’d miss those days before they were gone.

Water is and has always been the most mature beverage you could consume. Drinking enough water is hard, okay? Many adults still struggle with this one.

What do you mean it’s impossible to get eight hours of sleep in three? This whole adulthood thing seems entirely too rigged.

Maybe this wouldn’t happen if you could stuff a whole night’s sleep in three hours. Or if you kept that bedtime procrastination in check. (Hint: put the phone down and try picking up a book before bed.)

What’s that they say about gifts that you want versus ones that you need? Well, this one is both. You need your bills to be paid and you surely want them to be taken care of too. It’s not that unrealistic, is it?

OK, but what if you have to wrap a birthday present that’s the exact size and shape of this box? Or what if you have to help someone move and this box perfectly fits their collection of limited-edition romantasy books? Better keep it just in case.

You can’t deny that there is something so wholesome about getting excited over a dish sponge or a wicked good spatula, though. It’s the little things.

The age-old “down low, too slow” was a classic for slick high-fives as kids, but as adults? The joke just got a little mature upgrade that lowkey feels even more satisfying than pranking the other fifth graders.

Some adult jokes are a laugh-until-you-cry moment. This is one of those moments. Those years of being made of rubber were far too underappreciated.

It’s astonishing now to think about all the little things your parents took care of when you were a kid. That you just had like... no idea was a thing. Now the only question is how did they actually do it all? You mean to say that no one was reminding you to change your dishwasher filter? Or better yet, telling you that dishwashers have filters?

Honestly, Google is out here saving lives. It’s the adulting handbook that no one ever got but desperately needed, only not everything in the book is actually true or useful, so good luck sifting through that mess yourself. Plus, you have to actually know what to Google to begin with because unfortunately, the search engine doesn’t just give you unsolicited (albeit necessary) adulting advice.

And you’re always so sure that you’ll “just know” what the next one is for when you chuck it into the forbidden cable box of doom. But you’ll never just know. Just knowing was for your parents. Could it be because they actually labeled things? No, that couldn’t be it.

Having a clean, minimalistic house is overrated anyway. Thank goodness for the maximalist movement because where were these home decor influencers putting all of their table pile stuff?

Well, you could. But skipping work will come back to bite you harder than detention ever would. At least you could eat lunch in there.

And then when you finally nail down the quickest route to spaghetti sauce, they put the smoke and mirrors back up and the store pulls another HGTV-style Flip or Flop on everyone.

Remember when you could simply call your friend up and tell them you’re hopping on your bike and will be there in 20? The pure, ignorant bliss of having a calendar as empty as your fridge’s vegetable drawer is something you just can’t get back.

Again with the jokes about adult friendships, they’re a sad reality when you think of how popping your social life was way back in the pre-teen glory days. But then again, as an adult, twelve friends sounds like entirely too much commitment when you could be cracking a cold one on the couch in your stretchy pants or taking a much-needed self-care bubble bath.

Eventually, you’ll get around to it, so no one better be giving out spoilers... even if it takes until three years later. Keeping up with a billion streaming services is basically a full-time job, so there’s going to be a hit series you’re late to the jump with or two. Or 12.

The adult math is absolutely mathing. If you think about it, there will be a half-hour of trailers, so the movie won’t actually start until 5 p.m. And since movies run for about a quarter past an eternity now, you could potentially not get home until nearly 9 p.m. Which is, sorry, so past your bedtime.

Where’s the joke? The woman is speaking facts. Sorry TLC, there’s no room for scrub-haters in this economy.

Adulting in the early aughts seemed so much easier. Straightforward coupons and the possibility of home ownership with only one full-time job? What a time.

It’s so nice, you’ll probably want to repurchase next month too. And even the month after that, who knows? Might as well tell your friends it’s about a six- to 12-month commitment you’ll be enjoying.

It’s fine, you can always get the awkwardly sized smaller version to perfectly not quite reach each corner of the table. At least the flooring cost an arm and a leg too since you’ll be showing more of that off now. Or there’s always the option of doubling it up as your bed since it costs about that much.

And what a relief a valid excuse to stay home is. It’s almost as good as canceled plans.

To be fair, he’s not wrong. But there is also the occasional Zoom meeting to spice things up every now and then, right?

That’s the thing about being an adult. Free will. Want a whole block of cheese before bed? Nobody’s going to stop you.

Seems reasonable. If you’re not going to reward yourself for your hard work, what’s to motivate you to keep going?

Sorry but when was the sign-up for the class? How does everyone know all these life things? You either pretend to know what’s going on (most of the time) or look like a fool (also most of the time).

And that’s probably why you’re spending all your money on Postmates. The kids really don’t know how good they’ve got it.

Honestly, tempting. Not that disappearing into the woods would solve every problem, but the reminder of the possibility is nice.

For real, is there a refund on adulthood? It seems like kind of a rip-off. The false advertising is staggering.

*Being a responsible adult. You can always choose to ignore yourself and get takeout anyway. And that’s the few beauties of being a grown-up. Plus, there’s a good chance the “food at home” is ketchup, freezer-burnt broccoli, and ice.

When does one level up from beginner adult to adulty adult? Apparently, it doesn’t happen overnight.

It’s truly one of the most eye-opening, horrifying, yet mesmerizing experiences of adulthood. But of course, you still see your past teachers as the exception. They were teachers, not regular people like your rowdy friends... who are also teachers.

Is that a flu ache or just joint pain? Are you usually this phlegmy when you wake up? It’s almost like a fun little guessing game to get you going in the morning.

Life is tiring.