Help! My Partner Wants To Role-Play Fan Fiction

Q: My partner and I have been together for almost three years and have lived together for the past year and a half. Our relationship had been going great until the last few months, when she really got into a really popular TV show and started reading fan fiction about it. At first, I thought it was fun. I watched the series with her and enjoyed it, but I couldn’t really get into the fandom or fan fiction — that’s just never really been my thing.

I’m more than fine with this being her own hobby, but a couple of months ago, she asked if we could incorporate role-playing into our sex life. She wrote a script for us to act out as the main characters, including some sexual positions and acts that we hadn’t done before. I’ve never been adventurous in the bedroom, and the idea of role-playing doesn’t really turn me on. In fact, it’s more of a turn-off.

Still, I tried out her scenes a couple of times, and I think she was pretty disappointed that I couldn’t really get into it. I felt pretty awkward. I want to make her happy, but I don’t know if I’m just being selfish and should just try harder to make this fantasy come to life for her. Is there a middle ground here?

A: No, you’re not being selfish! There is always a certain degree of mismatch when it comes to two people’s sexual desires, whether that’s how often you get freaky or what happens between the sheets, and that doesn’t make you a bad partner. Not every encounter has to fulfill you equally, but broadly speaking, there ought to be an even balance of pleasure. Sometimes it’s your turn to get sucked off the shower; sometimes it’s your turn to finger-bang your partner in the bar bathroom.

In no way do I want to suggest you ought to do something that makes you feel bad — ever. All sex acts must be consensual and mutually enjoyable. But if your experience was less disgust or horror and more just “I’m not really getting into character, and frankly, I don’t care to,” well, there’s room to get creative!

I think you should frame this as looking not for middle ground but other ground. You don’t need to find a watered-down version of this role-play that neither of you particularly loves, but rather, find something adjacent that preserves whatever she finds hot while appealing to you, too. See if you can identify what’s driving this fantasy for her: the novelty? The characters’ power dynamic? A specific position or kind of dirty talk?

Then do the same exercise for yourself: What reliably turns you on? Maybe you like spontaneity, certain kinds of touch, being the one to initiate, or seeing her dressed a certain way. Now you have two sets of ingredients to play with. Maybe she gets the adventure she’s craving by dressing as the character, but you get the spontaneity you like because there’s no script. Maybe you try one of the new positions she wrote into the scene but as yourselves. Maybe she films a sexy video for you in character, you watch it together as foreplay, and then you take things in whatever direction feels natural.

You don’t need to want all the same things — you just need enough things you’re excited to want together.

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