If you're looking to get married, who you choose to walk down the aisle with is a pretty big decision you're going to make. So how do you know if you're with "The One"? According to experts, there are a few questions you can ask yourself to determine if you're with
the one you're going to marry or not.
"A common question people ask themselves (and often psychics) is, 'Am I really with 'The One' or am I going to miss out on meeting my soulmate?" relationship expert and
spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport, tells Bustle. We live at a time where it's easy to drop what you think isn't working so you can keep searching for the next best thing. But healthy relationships take a lot of work to maintain over time.
If you're thinking about marriage with someone, Rappaport says it isn't about finding your "soulmate." Instead, you should be assessing your partner and your relationship for things like trust, respect, love, and a willingness to overcome challenges together. The questions you should be asking yourself should give you a good sense of whether or not your relationship feels "right."
So, are you with "The One"? Here are some questions that can help you figure out if you're with the one you're going to marry.
"Does My Partner Have My Back?"
If you want to marry someone, you should be completely sure that they have your back. Do they support you? Do they have your best interests at heart? Can you trust them? "If your answer is yes, you can consider them as a good choice to marry," Rappaport says.
"Do Our Visions For The Future Line Up?"
Marriage is one thing. But what about after that? Do you want to settle down right away? Are kids in the future? Do you want to stay in the city or move to the suburbs? It's important to know that you and your partner are headed in the same direction. "Your careers and interests may not always be the same, but you still need a partner who wants the same things out of life," Rappaport says.
"Do I Need My Partner Around To Be Happy?"
"It’s not all that uncommon for relationships to be marked by overdependence and/or codependence, in which one person is entirely dependent on the other for emotional sustenance," Daniel Sher, clinical psychologist and consultant for the
Between Us Clinic, tells Bustle. While your partner should make you happy, they shouldn't be the only thing that makes you happy. You should never rely on another person to "complete" you. This kind of thinking will only set you up for a codependent dynamic. "If you’re involved in this sort of a dynamic, you may want to reconsider whether this person is really 'The One,'" Sher says.
"Do I Feel Closer And More Secure With My Partner After We Fight?"
"Contrary to what many think, arguments are a place for partners to grow and establish security in their relationship," Nancy Ruth Deen, relationship expert and owner of
HELLOBreakup, tells Bustle. "A promising future relationship relies on a couple's ability to solve their issues in a constructive way." Arguments are a healthy part of every single relationship. So it's important to know how to approach conflict in a way that brings you closer together.
"Do They Listen And Empathize With Me When I Share My Feelings?"
Active listening is a skill many people in relationships need to constantly work on. It seems easy enough, but it does take a bit of effort to give someone your full and undivided attention. If your partner makes it a point to really listen and understand you, they're a keeper. According to Deen, "A partner's ability to appreciate how you're feeling, shows that they're making steps in the right direction."
"Does My Partner Get Excited About The Future We Might Have Together? "
When things are going really well, it's easy to assume that your partner is on the same page. Because of this, Deen says many tend to romanticize the future of a relationship without actually talking about it. If you haven't really discussed the future just yet, think about where your partner is at with the relationship. According to Deen, one small thing to look out for is your partner's use of the word "when." For example, "We can get that for
when your parents visit this Christmas." More often than not, people won't mention the future with you if they can't actually see it. "This is an in-your-face sign that your partner is not only planning into the future, but you are literally in theirs," Deen says.
"What 'Special Sauce' Does My Partner Have That My Exes Didn't?"
You want to make sure you're always growing with each relationships you're in. Being able to identify what makes your current partner special can help to reinforce that you're really with the one you're going to end up with. "Many couples run into the unfortunate trap of dating each other on
autopilot, only to get married as that's simply the 'next step,'" Deen says. "Being conscious, and appreciating your partner's 'secret sauce' will keep you focused on the importance of your relationship, and the promising future together."
"Can I Tell My Partner Anything?"
Can you trust your partner with your secrets? Can you tell them anything, even if it makes things uncomfortable? "If your relationship is really headed for marriage, you should be comfortable enough to say almost anything to your partner, as long as it's honest and coming from a loving place," Jen Mattiola,
certified life/personal development coach, tells Bustle.
"How Does My Partner Interact With My Family?"
Does your family like your partner? Do you get along with their family? "Many relationships that don’t end up in marriage, rarely past this test," Mattiola says. "The pressure of the family can become too much to handle if major holidays aren't spent together." Many like to believe that what your family thinks about your relationship doesn't matter. But if you're close to yours, it will affect your relationship in the long run.
"How Does My Partner Express Love?"
It's important to observe and discuss your
love languages if you want your relationship to last. We all give and receive love differently. "When we aren't able to express love appropriately in our partner’s language, this only leads to conflict, insecurities, jealously, miscommunication and so forth," Jovica Grey, licensed mental health counselor and founder of Grey’s Counseling Services, LLC, tells Bustle. "So it's important to know if your partner expresses love in the way that you receive it or if their form of expression is sufficient long-term."
"Am I Comfortable Being Alone?"
"We need to remember that finding your 'one' is not about two people becoming one," Sher says. "It’s about two people coming together as separate individuals and remaining together as separate individuals." So if you're able to comfortably spend time alone or do things without your partner, that's a really good sign. According to Sher, it shows that you're in touch with your personal preferences and boundaries.
Making the decision to get married is a pretty big deal. There are a lot of different things you need to think about before you take that major step. But if you ask yourself these questions, you can figure out if your partner is the right one or not.