The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is stick my entire head in a bucket of coffee. It's like a horse drinking water out of a trough, except it isn't. Sometimes, instead of taking a shower, I'll politely ask a stranger to hose me down with Starbucks. Allegedly, there's a population of people who don't drink coffee — a thought that keeps me awake at night. Regardless, if you're part of said population, these 14 products for people who hate coffee will warm your cold, black, coffee-less heart.

Fortunately for the anti-coffee crowd, there are plenty of coffee alternatives to choose from — ones that, like coffee, can help wake you up and even offer their own health benefits. Just to remind you, you could just drink coffee instead. And if you don't like coffee, you could just learn to like coffee.

Wanted to throw that out there as an option.

Whether it's the taste you don't like, the caffeine jitters, the cute little way it stains your teeth, or that adorable way it makes your breath smell like a sock after you drink it, here are 14 alternatives to coffee that are far less superior but acceptable nonetheless. You're welcome.