17 Absurd Kirk Lines From 'Gilmore Girls' That Will Make You Laugh, Every Time
Kirk Gleason is probably the weirdest, quirkiest, most unique character in all of Stars Hollow, and if you've watched at least one episode of Gilmore Girls, you'll know that means something. Which is why these 17 absurd Kirk lines from Gilmore Girls are really quite something. From quotes about his never-ending list of odd jobs to TMI details of his uneventful love life and slightly disturbing relationship with his mother, almost everything that comes out of Kirk's mouth is ridiculous, but I think it's safe to say that these particular lines truly take the cake.
Of all 154 episodes that aired over the course of Gilmore Girls' original seven season run, there are only 17 in which Kirk did not appear, making him one of the most prolific supporting characters in the series. That means that there are 137 episodes full of Kirk weirdness and absurdity, like the time he slept in a glass box in the town square, or the other time he debuted his David Lynch-inspired film. Or the time he asked Lorelai out on a date — and she accepted. But, no matter what craziness Kirk got up to, he always did it with such genuine excitement and sincerity that it was impossible to get annoyed with him, even if he was bothering our favorite Gilmore girls. And the 17 most absurd Kirk lines of all time prove why.
1. "I'm So Damn Lonely Not Even 'Animal Planet' Does It For Me Anymore"
No one wants to know what exactly Kirk was doing while watching Animal Planet, but this is probably the most relatable Kirk has ever been, TBH.
2. "One Day It Occurred To Me: Cows Never Wrinkle."
One of the very best Kirk inventions by far is "Hay There," his cow-inspired line of skincare products. The fact that he got the idea when he noticed that "cows never wrinkle" is just the icing on the already perfectly LOL worthy cake.
3. "I Had An Imaginary Girlfriend For A While When I Was Young, But She Left Me."
Kirk is so lonely even his imaginary girlfriends leave him. Tragically relatable from the very beginning.
4. "Maybe I Can Get Her To Say 'Cat Kirk' When She's Calling Kirk And 'Human Kirk' When She's Calling Me."
Before we were Keeping Up With The Kardashians, we were keeping up with the Kirks — the "Kat" Kirks, that is. Kirk and cat Kirk's relationship was short-lived, but it was, in a word, ridiculous.
5. "My Girlfriend's The Whore!"
Nobody rivals Taylor Doose when it comes to Stars Hollow spirit, but Kirk might be a close second, as evidenced by his excitement when his girlfriend, Lulu, earned the part of "The Whore" in a historic reenactment.
6. "Basically, I Freak Out At Beddy-Bye."
I'll let Kirk explain his absurd night terrors in his own words: "The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked, or running down the street completely naked, or swimming in the community center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire."
7. "Well, Whimsy Goes With Everything."
Oddly enough, this quote is actually accurate when you think about it. Whimsy does go with everything. Maybe Kirk is a secret genius after all.
8. "I Love Carrot Sticks, Especially The Crinkle Cut Kind."
Yes, crinkle cut carrots do exist, but I have never met a child who actually eats them, let alone an adult human.
9. "This Is The Suit They Buried My Dad In."
Kirk's wardrobe is always somewhat of a mystery, but in one episode he casually mentions that he's wearing "the suit they buried my dad in," and fans everywhere are still wondering whether or not Kirk dug up his own father's grave for a suit.
10. "I've Been Working For 11 Years, Luke. I've Had 15,000 Jobs."
Kirk's revolving door of professions is the stuff of Stars Hollow legend, but 15,000 jobs in 11 years?! That seems suspect, even for Kirk.
11. "Just Don't Touch My Bottom Or I'll Think You Have A Machete."
Another night terror quote, "don't touch my bottom or I'll think you have a machete" just opens the door to so many questions. Has Kirk ever been attacked by a machete? What does being touched on the booty have to do with being chased by a a machete wielding mad man? Kirk is nothing if not a mystery.
12. "I Love Luke Danes!"
Granted, who doesn't love Luke Danes?
13. "This Is Bigger Than Your Love Of Pink!"
When Luke and Lorelai got back together, Kirk took it upon himself to retrieve the ribbons Stars Hollow used to pledge their loyalties in the breakup. But when Lulu wouldn't give hers up, Kirk made one of the most ridiculous statements ever uttered: "This is bigger than your love of pink!"
14. "I Befriend Really Old Women."
This is pretty innocent as far as Kirk-isms go, but somehow one doubts that a man who is friends with older women would actually call them "really old women."
15. "I Reenacted The Dwarf's Maypole Choreography From The 'Safety Dance' Video In My Junior High Talent Show."
Kirk's Maypole obsession is perhaps his most unique trait (and, yes, that's including the fact that he still lives with his mother).
16. "Thanks To My New Business, Widow Puddleston Is Only 10 Minutes Late For Chemo!"
Ooo-ber might be Kirk's best job in all of Gilmore Girls, and fans didn't even get it until the Year in the Life Netflix reboot. His Uber rip-off was, naturally, only up and running for a few days, but his first satisfied customer was "only 10 minutes late for chemo" so, with glowing reviews like that, who needs Uber?
17. "Yes, I Have Some Balls."
"Yes, I have some balls" is truly something only Kirk would say when asked if he had any Lucille Ball stamps left.
Never change, Kirk, never change.