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Stassi Schroeder's best Vanderpump Rules quotes are not just good. "Good" is an understatement. Rather, Stassi's best Vanderpump Rules quotes are so iconic, they all deserve to be printed on T-shirts. And painted on novelty wine glasses. And tattooed around biceps. And scribbled among the clouds via skywriting plane. And etched into stone tablets so future generations can get a small taste of what they missed out on.
One of the earliest examples of Stassi's prowess can be found in the very first episode of the very first season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills spinoff. At one point, we see Stassi sitting across from her then-boyfriend Jax Taylor at brunch. The few exchange a few jabs before Stassi narrows her eyes at him and purrs, “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it.” This humble request was literally directed at Jax, but it was for all of us. May we never forget the power she wields.
Some reality stars need some time to get their sea legs on a show before they are ready to fire off legendary zingers. That was not the case with Nastassia Bianca Schroeder. She was batting a thousand right out the gate, and for seven seasons straight, The Next Level Basic author has been doling out cutting commentary and icy comebacks like a snarky, perfectly calibrated catapult.
Below you will find 21 of Stassi's finest quotes from Vanderpump Rules. These are not all of her best quotes (we'd be here all night), but a sample of the magic she brings to the small screen episode after episode. Raise your glasses high, this one's for Stassi tonight.
1
“Literally want to take every fork and knife and just graze over his body until he slowly bleeds to death.” (Season 1)
Now that is how you paint a portrait with words.
2
“My mom always told me that I’m the descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try to act like one.” (Season 1)
Dayna Schroeder knows best.
3
“Hobble away.” (Season 2)
Is this the rudest thing Stassi has barked at Scheana? That's up for debate. But it’s definitely in the running.
4
“Sorry I’m trustworthy and it’s easy to be in love with me.” (Season 2)
Why be humble during a breakup when you can be honest?
5
“When I die, I want to be taxidermied, and at my wake, I want to have a glass of wine in my hand and people can come in a photo booth and take photos with me.” (Season 6)
Sounds like a chill funeral experience.
6
“National OOTD Day is all about being yourself, expressing your individuality and your unique style, but I have to draw the line somewhere, and that line is at overalls.” (Season 7)
We all have our limits. Stassi’s limit just happens to be overalls.
7
“I normally would’ve literally ran across that float with daggers, and not only stabbed you both, like, 40 times, but then thrown you off, tarred and feathered each of you, beheaded you, and quartered your bodies, and dragged them through the city of West L.A. on a disgusting truck.” (Season 1)
I can smell this quote.
8
“I’m not really sure what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio.” (Season 3)
Oof. Cut me to my core and douse me with white wine, why don’t you?
9
“Really? I brought my own vodka.” (Season 4)
When in doubt, throw a bottle of vodka in your satchel. Heck, when you aren't in doubt, throw a bottle of vodka in your satchel. A satchel full of vodka is a solid move.
10
“It’s my birthday, so go f*ck yourself.” (Season 6)
All of Stassi’s birthday proclamations are the stuff of legend, but this one may be my favorite.
11
“Jax is a piece of sh*t, so it’s time to drink his f*cking Cristal.” (Season 1)
Rules are rules.
12
“Kristen has spent the first 35 years of her life in a blind drunken rage. Then she meets Beau’s mom and she’s Mahatma Gandhi? Give me a break.” (Season 7)
Then again, Beau’s mom did seem to be pretty magical.
13
“Everyone’s acting like it’s their own private chef back there. You’re in a restaurant, we have a set menu, just pick something and shut the f*ck up.” (Season 2)
If only every restaurant ever could slap this message on the top of their menus.
14
“Don’t swim away like a moody mermaid.” (Season 1)
The Moody Mermaid sounds like a fun Disney movie.
15
“So long, Scheana. So long, Scheana’s eyelashes. So long, Scheana’s turban. So long, Scheana’s unitards.” (Season 3)
But as for Scheana's bright blue eyeglasses? Oh, those can stay.
16
“I’d rather light one of my arms on fire than go to something as boring as a puppy shower.” (Season 7)
To each their own.
17
“Scheana, were you raised by wolves in the hills of Azusa?” (Season 5)
Oh, man. The Little Scheana Who Was Raised By Wolves In the Hills of Azusa is another Disney movie I'd love to watch.
18
“The only thing I have holding me back is that I have self respect and dignity. Thank God for Kristen who is unburdened by those anchors.” (Season 4)
Anch-SURs away.
19
“Be off.” (Season 1)
When telling someone to “go away” just isn’t cutting enough? Say hello to the phrase “be off.”
20
“You should probably, number one, remember girls’ names, when they tell you things you should listen, but also number three, you should probably not say that I look like Steve Jobs in a swimsuit turtleneck.” (Season 5)
Indispensable life advice by Stassi.
21
“I am the devil, and don’t you forget it.” (Season 1)
Oh, I never will.
And with that, I must "be off."
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