7 Major Topics To Avoid Early On In A Relationship
When you first start dating someone, it's tempting to want to get into the nitty gritty right away. After all, if you see a future, putting restrictions on what you talk about can feel wrong. However, if you are wondering what not to talk about in a new relationship, there are a number of topics that are better suited for later on, when your connection is more established, experts say. These conversations should be had, but just at a more appropriate time when you have a more nuanced understanding of the person you are dating and the relationship.
"I believe in being open and transparent, but I think there are some topics that should be reserved for later," therapist Celeste Viciere, LMHC tells Bustle. When you've just started dating, you might not want to reveal everything about yourself too early on. While differences of opinion are to be anticipated between two different people, there are some heavier topics of discussion that are better suited for later when you both know you're on the same page, and ready to discuss them, Viciere says.
Although these topics should be discussed eventually, you might want to wait until the relationship is a little more solid before discussing them. Here are seven topics you shouldn't bring up right away in a relationship, according to experts.
1. Your Ex
When you talk about your ex too soon into a relationship — especially if the past relationship recently ended — it might make your new partner think you haven't moved on. "Don’t talk about your ex," psychotherapist Heather Edwards, LMHC, BCC tells Bustle. "It shows that your focus is on your past rather than your future. How can you move forward when you’re looking in the rearview mirror? It brings another person into your new relationship and thus creates a triangle." Rather than starting off on that foot, open the discussion around exes later when there is something valuable that can be learned from it.
2. Complaints About Your Family & Friends
You might want to stay away from complaining about your family or friends too soon. "New relationships are built on the energy you bring to them from the start," says Edwards. And if that energy is continually negative, that might start to be your new partner's perception of you. "Shift your mindset," Edwards says. "It’s better to focus on strengths, gratitude, and being present in the moment."
3. Marriage Plans Or A Time Table
Avoid discussing a specific timeline on when you want to be married right at the beginning of the relationship. "Saying something like, 'Down the road, I can see myself being married with kids,' is fine, but to say, 'In two years I want to be married with a kid on the way,' can ... put pressure on your partner and make them feel like you are rushing things," says Viciere. "Using 'down the road' is fine because, the person you are dating may say they don't want children or perhaps don't even want to get married. Those are aspects that are important to know early on, so both parties do not waste their time."
4. Every Single Detail Of Your Day
It's important in your relationship that you share the little details of your life with your partner, but, that doesn't have to happen right away. "You should let your significant other into parts of your life gradually, just like you would a new friend," therapist Rachel Gersten, LMHC, CHC tells Bustle. "As exciting as the closeness and intimacy of a new relationship is, your new significant other shouldn't immediately be your sounding board for everything going on in your life."
How much money you make or money problems should be left for later on in the relationship. "Try to avoid any discussion of money," says Viciere. "The person you're dating may be concerned that you cannot handle your finances, or they may worry that they don't make enough money to be on the same level as you." Since money can be a huge source of relationship stress, it's best to leave these issues for when things are more solid between the two of you.
Gossiping can be seen as another way of focusing on the negative and may not be the energy you want to bring into the relationship early on. "Share your ideas and dreams," says Edwards. "This is your opportunity to construct the foundation of a relationship the way you want it to be. Stay focused on the positive and forward momentum."
7. Raising Your Kids
"Similar to future marriage plans, early on in a relationship probably isn't the best time to talk about your potential future children," says Gersten. "Having kids is a very personal decision, and although it's a good idea to make sure you're generally on the same page before jumping into a serious relationship, discussing your preferred preschool is a little too premature. Those are decisions that should be made together as they come up, rather than it becoming a discussion years in advance."
These topics are important, but they're better off discussed a little further down the road, rather than early on.