People with vulvas are often made to feel ashamed of their genitals and sexuality. But what's really shameful is the lack of information out there on
how to please someone with a vulva. The primary type of sex most of us have learned about is penis-in-vagina, which is not the most reliable way to make most vulva-owners orgasm (though it can be a great addition!). So, it's high time to spread some better information about how to actually please someone with a vulva. Fortunately, sexologist Dr. Jessica O'Reilly, also known as Dr. Jess, provided just that at a recent event at the sex club NSFW.
The biggest thing Dr. Jess wants people to know about the vulva? It's not "an oven," she told the crowd at NSFW. "You don't just turn it on and slide things in." She also wants people to understand the importance of the clitoris (only a quarter of women regularly
orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation!). "Most people derive most pleasure from rubbing and grinding on the outside," Dr. Jess said.
"If you only look at the head of the clitoris, you're missing its entire beautiful body," she added.
The clitoris has a large internal structure that you can stimulate by touching the labia and other parts of the vulva.
Looking for more specific instructions? Here are some sex moves Dr. Jess recommends to those whose partners have vulvas.
For a twist (literally) on typical finger penetration, cross your fingers as if you're trying to usher in good luck. Cover your fingers in lube to make sure it's comfortable for your partner.
Position your hand so that your palm is on your partner's pubic mound and all five fingers are over the vulva. Rub your whole hand up and down, back and forth, or however your partner's hips guide you to. "This is a go-to move for those looking for a quick and satisfying orgasm," Dr. Jess tells Bustle.
Make a W with your hand by moving your index finger near your thumb and your ring finger near your pinky. Press your palm on the pubic bone and slide your hand down as you move your fingers together. Keep the middle finger on the clitoris and use the outer fingers to stimulate the labia. "The Sensual W is perfect for stimulating the external parts of the clitoris as well as the bulbs on the inside beneath the lips," Dr. Jess tells Bustle.
"The Cross My Heart technique offer extra attention to the fourchette — the sensitive skin where the lips meet at the very bottom," Dr. Jess tells Bustle. Put your thumbs on your partner's clitoris and then move them downward as if you were drawing a heart. Go over the fourchette, then slide them back up and repeat.
To switch things up when you're going down on your partner, get your nose in on the action. Dr. Jess recommends putting lube on the tip and rubbing the clitoris with your nose, running it over the lips, or even moving it inside the vagina.
Move your lubed-up thumbs up and down your partner's labia, and move your tongue up and down the middle of the vulva. Try to time it so that your tongue goes down as your thumbs go up.
Open your mouth over the entire vulva and run your tongue in circles around the inside of your lips as you suck. "Slide the hands under the butt and eat it like a hungry hippo," Dr. Jess joked to the NSFW crowd. "Eat it like a juicy piece of meat."
No matter what you're doing, enthusiasm is key, she said. The more you enjoy it, the more your partner will be able to relax and enjoy themselves.