7 Things To Remember If You’ve Been Rejected
Basically everyone faces rejection at some point in their love lives, and nobody likes it. Dealing with rejection is not a skill they teach you in school, and it’s not one that comes easily to many people. So, when it happens, it helps to have some uplifting words (as well as a good friend and perhaps a bottle of wine) handy.
“Without us wanting to, we will always take the rejection personally,” Daniel Saynt, founder of NSFW, a club hosting sex-positive events and workshops, tells Bustle. “We will feel as if we're not good enough. We'll feel like we aren't attractive, smart, or suave enough. We'll hide in our self-loathing space and will sometimes use new and past rejections as an excuse for not loving ourselves in the way we should."
"It's very rare for us to consider that the decision may not be about us at all," he continues. "We don't consider all the factors which may have caused the rejection — things out of our control such as bad timing, the person's interest in someone else, the person's decision not to date due to coming out of another relationship, the person's possible desire to be single for a while, or simply that the other person isn't that into us.”
“Don’t take it personally” is much, much easier said than done, though. So, here are some things to tell yourself to make rejection a little less excruciating.
1. Attraction Is Subjective
It’s easier to brush off rejection when there’s a reason that truly has nothing to do with you, like the other person’s attraction to someone else or their desire to be single. It’s harder when the other person is just not that into you.
However, this reason is not actually personal either. The things someone else dislikes about you could be things that a future partner — or you yourself — love about you. “What another person is looking for in a partner can often be confusing and should never be taken personally,” Saynt says. “It's not about what's wrong with you; it's about what the other person considers right, and you have absolutely no control over that.”
2. It’s A Numbers Game
No matter what, everybody is going to get rejected by a significant number of the people they ask out. Understanding this can help you see that the rejections you’ve faced aren’t really about you; it’s just statistics.
Understanding that it’s a numbers game can also motivate you to try again. “Ask 100 people something and you'll most likely find one interested in what you have to say,” Saynt says. “The best way to accept being rejected is quickly. Move on, be kind in your response, don't pursue someone who's not interested in you.”
3. Your Options Are Endless
While the person who rejected you might seem like the ideal match for you, that could be because you haven’t found your real match yet.
“There are billions of people on this planet, and social media has made it easier to interact with a good chunk of them,” Saynt says. “If you're stuck on the rejections of one person, you're missing out on the potential acceptance by others.”
4. If Someone Rejects You, They’re Not Right For You
Even if the person who rejected you seems perfect in every other way, the mere fact that they rejected you shows they’re not capable of fully appreciating you and therefore aren’t the right one for you anyway.
“You do not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you,” psychotherapist Kevon Owen, tells Bustle. “And you don't want to be with someone who you had to convince.”
5. There's Someone For Everyone
If you doubt whether you’ll ever find lasting love, look at the people around you. People rarely make it their entire lives without experiencing a romantic relationship.
“Those who seek love usually find it,” Owen says. “Do not hold a spot in your heart and in your life for someone who isn't going to take it. You deserve more than that. Grieve the loss, stand up, and move forward. Your future love is ahead of you, not behind.”
6. You’ll Be Glad This Happened One Day
One day in the future, you’ll meet someone who’s actually right for you, and you’ll be glad you got rejected so that you were available when you met them.
“The person that let you down is giving you an opportunity to actually find your person and may even be setting you up to meet someone who can fill your wants and needs on an even deeper level,” clinical psychologist Molly Giorgio, tells Bustle. “Rejection does not need to mean devastation. It can mean a fresh start, a new beginning, a chance to find someone (or even yourself) who meets your needs.”
7. It Happens To The Best Of Us
If you feel tempted to take it personally, think of all the awesome people you know who have been rejected. Even celebrities who are considered highly desirable have faced rejection. It’s not a reflection on you; it’s just part of being human — a part, hopefully, that gets easier with time.
If you have trouble convincing yourself of these truths, don't be afraid to reach out to a friend. Chances are, they've survived rejection themselves and can help you see it truly isn't the end of your love life. It's just the beginning.