9 Unexpected Ways Your Gut Is Telling You Your Partner Isn't "The One"
You may think you have met your soulmate, but then your behavior says otherwise, and you may not even realize it. In actuality, there are many unexpected ways your gut is telling you what's going on — when your partner isn't "The One." Maybe you feel yourself pulling away: You used to look forward to seeing them, and now you don't. Maybe a big occasion is coming up, like a wedding, but you'd rather take along your best friend. Maybe you start to think more and more about what it would be like to be single, or go on a date with someone else, rather than stay with your significant other. Whatever the case may be, it's better to know if they're right for you versus stay stuck in a relationship-status limbo. Of course, much is to be learned from every relationship, good or bad — it's always educational, even though the answer may not be what you're hoping. However, you probably don't want to stay with someone if you have doubts, especially if you're thinking about your future right now.
"When you find 'The One,' you'll definitely know it, Dating Coach & Relationship Expert, Keynote Speaker, and Author James Preece tells Bustle. "It's the person who makes you happy, comfortable, and supported. You will never be afraid to truly be yourself with them, and you'll know they'll always have your back. They can see you at your worst, as well as at your best, but love you all the same."
So what if you're not 100 percent sure if they're the right person for you? Below, relationship experts weigh in on ways the person you're with may not be "The One". If a lot or all of these signs all apply to you, that's OK. The sooner you figure it out, the better.
1. You Can't Trust Them
You probably know that trust is everything in a relationship — along with other key elements, like communication and shared values. But when trust isn't there, it's hard for the relationship's foundation to stay together. "Even though the words your partner is telling you ostensibly seem to make sense, something inside of you is telling you that you're not being told the entire truth," Shlomo Zalman Bregman, Rabbi, matchmaker, and relationship expert, tells Bustle. "A forever relationship is built on honestly, and if you can't trust your significant other, you most definitely aren't with the right person!"
2. You Feel Bored
You used to be excited to race home after work and see your other half, but now you dread it — you stay at the office later on purpose, make after-work plans with your friends, you name it — as long as you can avoid going home to your partner.
"It's not always easy to admit that you've connected with someone you care about, but then come to terms with the fact that he or she is not really 'The One' for you," Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. (aka "Dr. Romance"), psychotherapist and author of How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together, tells Bustle. "Your brain may not know, but your gut, otherwise known as your subconscious and your feelings, do. Feeling bored in the relationship is something to watch for. If you find you're always on your phone or ignoring each other, or hope to not hear from your partner, you are probably bored — there's not enough meaningful communication to keep you feeling connected. You might be able to fix this if it's just bad habits, but it can also mean you don't have enough to say to each other and aren't really enjoying your time together. You know how you never run out of things to talk about with your bestie? You need to have that with your main squeeze, too."
3. You Often Think About What Life Would Be Like *Without* Your Partner
After all, you were always independent and had a life outside of your romantic relationship, so how can you tell if you've lost that magical feeling for your partner? "If your mind starts wondering about what life might be like being single, or you're having thoughts about dating someone else, it could be time to get out," Preece says. "Maybe you are tempted to sign up for Tinder just to get some fun back in your life, or as a distraction. It's normal to have fantasies, but if it becomes a regular occurrence, it's a strong indication you are with the wrong person. If things were going well, then you wouldn't be thinking about any of this."
4. You Don't Make Plans Together
Similar to feeling bored and avoiding your partner is not making future plans with them, a clear indication you don’t see a future together. "If you aren't thinking, 'Wow, I'd love to go to (name of place) with this person and share (name of activity),' it could be an indication that you're not planning a future for this relationship," Dr. Tessina says. "There's nothing you look forward to about being together. Maybe you prefer to spend time with friends, which can be a good thing, but not if it's just because you don't want to be alone together with your partner."
5. You Don't Feel You Can Be Your True Self
Being comfortable around your partner, in good times and bad, is a huge, revealing factor that you can be your true self, no matter what. But when this isn't the case, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
"Whereas many people go through life holding back major pieces of themselves from everyone else — and only sharing what they want seen — when you find 'The One,' they can really 'see' you," Rabbi Bregman says. "Moreover, you will feel comfortable to be yourself and feel accepted and loved, without any pretense. This backdrop creates a precious opportunity to have truly honest communication and to share love, fears, and hopes without judgment." If you feel like you can't be your true self, it may be an indicator they're not a good match for you in the long run.
6. You Don't Laugh Together
When you and your partner first met, maybe their sense of humor was one characteristic of theirs that drew you in. But now, you don't laugh together. "Laughter is an essential part of romantic connection," Dr. Tessina says. "If you're too serious, and you don't know how to laugh together, your relationship probably won't survive the [hard times]."
7. You Only Feel Connected To Them When You're Physical
Even though the physical aspect of a romantic relationship is important, if that's all that's sustaining you and your partner, think twice. "There are many facets to a relationship — such as the emotional, social, and spiritual," Rabbi Bregman says. "Being physically involved with someone else is only one possible point of connection with another human being. As such, if you only feel 'connected' to your partner when sharing this aspect — but essentially nothing else — something is probably wrong, and it's unlikely this partner is your soulmate."
8. You Don't Want To Have Sex With Them
Though you used to be close to your partner both emotionally and physically, if you feel yourself avoiding the latter, it's another warning sign that your partner is not for you in the long-term. "If you're not turned on, excited, or eager to be close, take note," Dr. Tessina says. "To sustain intimacy throughout a long-term relationship, you need to begin with a strong intimate connection. If you're enjoying snuggling, but never want it to go farther (or your partner doesn't), then you've probably got a cuddly friend, not a love relationship."
9. You Feel More Alienated From Them Versus Close To Them
If you're pulling away from your partner versus drawing closer to them, emotionally and physically, that's another way you know they're not "The One" for you. "Something to be careful about in a relationship are the emotional responses you experience around your significant other more so than your thought reactions," Jeffrey Sumber, Psychotherapist and Author of Renew Your Wows: Seven Powerful Tools to Ignite the Spark and Transform Your Relationship, tells Bustle. "We all have a wide range of thoughts, from do they like me, do I like them, look at that other one over there, etc. If you also have a wave of intense love and kindness, sexual desire, appreciation and gratitude, etc., it is likely that you're with a partner whom you truly do love and admire. However, if you feel a deep sense of disgust, mistrust, alienation — more than once or twice — you might need to truly rethink the relationship or explore what is beneath the feelings. This will determine if you're actually unhappy but telling yourself to keep with it. Your feelings are gold."
Sometimes, it's hard to listen to that little voice in your head that warns you something is going on, and it's not good. You may convince yourself that it's better to stay in a subpar relationship than no relationship, when the former could not be further from the truth. So that's when it's so important to listen to your inner voice. "Whatever the situation, your subconscious will know deep down if you are happy or not — that's why it puts these niggling thoughts in your head," Preece says. "It's a warning signal for you to start taking action."
All in all, as you probably know, it's best to listen to your instincts if you have any doubts about you and your partner. On that note, if you feel any of the above points are true for you, it may indicate that the person you're with is not "The One." You may want to seek counseling to be sure, or you may just need to do the inevitable and end the relationship.