I need a moment to process this. I'm not shy about my love of bagels — the queen of all breads, the king of breakfast, the savior of my carb-needing soul. And I love bagels in any and all forms ... or so I thought. Because bread-sliced bagels are a thing and I don't even know what to believe any more. That's right, bagels sliced like bread. It's hard to imagine — and even harder to look at.
Twitter exploded after bread sliced bagels entered the Twittersphere. @AlekKrautmann is the man of the hour — he tweeted a picture of these so-called bagels. "Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced," he said. "It was a hit!" So he says. If these bagels were a "hit" then I don't really think I can believe anything more. A bagel is meant to be worshipped in its natural form — cut in half, toasted, and smothered in cream cheese. Anything else is just cruel. St Louis apparently just wants to watch the world burn.
Seriously, just look at these bagels — do they look happy? Do they look ready to be schmeared? Do they look like something you'd want to eat? No, they look broken and alone. And scared. They look scared.
Also — who only wants to eat part of a bagel? I've never left a bagel unfinished in my life and I never will. The idea of eating a tenth or a twentieth of a bagel is just... it's unfathomable. Eat a whole bagel and live.
I wasn't alone in my utter astonishment and admonishment. Twitter came out to let Krautmann know they were not here for his bagels. In fact, this little "St. Louis Secret" seemed to make a lot of people very upset. It's the Twitter baguette-gate all over again. If people were upset about how baguettes would walk if they were sentient (God, Twitter is weird place), they were even more angry about slicing bagels like they're bread.
People were angry, people were hurt, people were confused — but amazingly, not all people. That's right — some Twitter users (presumably only the ones also from St. Louis) came to Krautmann's defense. People thought that this was actually a normal thing to do — and some who had never tried it before thought that it was a good idea. Any lingering faith I had in humanity is extinguished. I could the hot mess that is world politics, but I could not, it turns out, handle support for bread sliced bagels.
For true bagel believers — look away. Ignore the bread-sliced monstrosities and focus on happier, purer things. Like a freshly-toasted bagel with a proper schmear. Maybe add some onions or cucumber or tomato, if that suits your fancy — I'm totally open minded about your toppings. If you want to think a little outside the box, Aldi Everything Croissants give you the ultimate bagel seasoning in croissant form. Or you can go even more out there and try the Ben & Jerry's ice cream bagel. But that's wild enough for me. What I'm saying is there are plenty of ways you can experiment and have fun with the diverse, delicious bagel without messing with its structural integrity.
Sorry, St. Louis. Keep your bread cut bagel and leave me in piece.