While my masturbation game may be on point, I can’t really say the same for my exercising game. Although I know that the benefits of regular exercise are countless, it’s just not for me. I’d rather walk around a city for five hours every day than actually get myself to a gym. While walking does count as exercising, of course, I’d also like to point out that I don’t walk around the city for five hours every day. I’m just not an exerciser.
But, while that may be the case, I do try to do yoga a couple times a week. I never do it for more than 30 or 40 minutes, and it’s mostly because I want to stretch my back out, make sure my Corpse Pose is still perfect (if you know what that is, you’ll see the humor in that statement), and just feel my body move. You can’t spend as much time as I do at a desk and not move your body.
"My clients report that simply moving — dancing, walking, stretching, hiking — is key to increasing their desire for sex, as well as sexual functioning (likelihood of reaching orgasm)," Dr. Jess O’Reilly, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, tells Bustle. "[This] outcome may be tied to the fact that exercise can help you to clear your mind and feel more relaxed once the body cools down."
Well, there was only one way to find out. So, despite knowing it was going to be rough, I set out to do 90 minutes of yoga a day to see if it had any effect on masturbation.
Exercise routine: I woke up to a pain in my neck and upper back, likely the result of not knowing how to sleep properly. Every part of my body hurt and I felt like someone had hit me in the night with a bag of brinks. Naturally, I took this as a sign to skip yoga that day until my personal trainer friend said that to decrease the pain, I should power through it. Which I did about 20 minutes after waking up. But, I didn't make it the whole 90 minutes. I fast forwarded about 15 minutes around the one-hour mark of the class.
Masturbation results: In two words: sweet relief. While I can't say my orgasms were any better or more intense, per se, I can say that, as natural painkillers, the orgasms did help my body pains. So much so that I did two rounds — because why take ibuprofen when you can orgasm?
Exercise routine: I decided to spice it up. What this means is that I decided against doing 90 minutes of yoga. Instead, I walked the 2.5 miles to the beach, where I got far too much sun, then walked the 2.5 miles back after I resembled a cooked lobster. That night I did my usual 30 minutes of yoga, having justified cutting the other 60 minutes out because of the five miles I had walked.
Masturbation result: I would say, by the time I got into bed, I was sufficiently aroused. I don't know if we can attribute that to the exercise, the summer, the Barcelona heat, or the fact that my sunburn was now almost purple. Either way, and I hate to use to this word, I was horny. So horny, that I masturbated three times before bed, then once in the morning before work.
Exercise routine: After how I was feeling the day before, I figured walking and yoga was a far better combination for me. So I walked the almost four miles to Park Güell in the blazing sun and heat. Even when the back of my dress was drenched with sweat, roughly a half mile in, I kept going. I figured if everyone around me was sweating, I might as well join the club. I wandered around, wishing I had a hat, and climbed up to the top of Carmel Hill. Yes, I was sweating, I probably even smelled and was likely to end up with sun-stroke, but anything was better than 90 minutes of yoga in my apartment.
Then I walked back. Something I would have not done, but I deliberately didn't bring enough money with me for a cab. I did about 10 sun salutations when I got home.
Masturbation result: After a long shower and some work, I was feeling just as good as the day before; maybe even better. I felt lighter — emotionally and mentally — and pretty damn proud of myself, almost to the point of being cocky about it. It was with this cockiness that I pulled out my vibrator and got down to business, so to speak. What I experienced was a very dirty mind that hadn't been unleashed in a long time. The thoughts that I used to get off were raunchy as hell and certainly delivered.
Exercise routine: It was raining. So I had no choice in my exercise routine: 90 minutes of yoga. It was also humid and my air conditioner couldn't keep up.
Masturbation result: Later that night, I had no urge or interest in masturbation. As someone who's immensely affected by the weather, I assumed it was the grey skies and rain all day. Even at night, when I could no longer see the rain, I could hear it. It's not a very enticing sound for me so my desire to orgasm just wasn't there. I was also exhausted, not with the exercising, but because of the week I was having.
Exercise routine: I forced myself into my 90 minutes of yoga. Emphasis on forced. But I didn't make it, having fast-forwarded through about 15 minutes in the middle. Or maybe more like 20 minutes in the middle. Honestly, I didn't pay much attention so I couldn't disappoint myself. Ignorance is bliss after all.
Masturbation result: Great! My thoughts weren't as dirty as they were two days before, but my craving to orgasm was, I'd say, above average. When I feel like this, my orgasms are better. Sometimes I masturbate to sleep or destress, but it's these orgasms that are born out of intense arousal that are truly amazing. So much so that one is never enough.
Exercise routine: I'm not going to lie; knowing it was my last day of what I dramatically decided was one of the worst weeks of my life (it really wasn't), I decided fast forwarding through at least 30 minutes in the middle of the video was fair. Granted, it did go against the experiment a bit, but it was day seven, so I figured it's all good.
Masturbation result: I'd say the same as the day before — I was equally aroused, was feeling good in general, and was 100% in my masturbation game. Orgasms were fantastic, I was feeling sexy, and I felt the peculiar sensation of things seeming possible — outside of my vibrator and I. It felt like I could hit a home run or cook every Julia Child recipe that exists. It was a good mindset for me.
I don't know. Honestly, I think seven days isn't enough to tell, without a doubt, that exercise affected my masturbation. I did notice changes in my desire, which is one of the benefits of exercising, and I did feel sexier, but I wonder what percentage of that was based on the summer. Summer alone can be intoxicating for me. If I were a far more ambitious person, I'd try the experiment for a full 30 days, but I don't see that happening. 30 minutes of yoga a couple times a week is enough for me at this point in my life and my orgasms never disappoint, so I'm good.