Back in May I met a deliciously hot guy. When I say deliciously hot, I mean he was the type that sort stops you in your tracks and takes your breath away. I'm not even exaggerating. After hours and hours of just talking, he leaned in to kiss me and... it was awful! I was kissing one way, he was kissing another way, and those two ways were fighting against each other instead of trying to find a common ground. When I pulled away I said, "Our
kisses don't match." To which he responded, "They will by the end of the night." I'm glad he had such high expectations for our syncing ability.
Kissing is an art, not a science, and everyone likes something different," sex and relationship expert Psalm Isadora tells Bustle. "There are over 30 types of kisses described in the Kama Sutra... the most important thing in kissing is paying attention to your partner's body language and arousal."
But because there are so many types of kisses, there's a good chance you'll meet someone who doesn't kiss like you. How someone kisses can either totally make or totally break a night. Granted it may not
mean they're bad in bed, per se, but can good sex even count as good if the kissing is mismatched? Probably not.
As someone who believes that anything can be fixed with a bit of effort, excluding Trump, you and your partner can almost definitely sync your kissing styles. Here's how to do that.
Don't Criticize Their Kissing Style
Well, as your mom always told you, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. With that in mind, follow the same philosophy when trying to sync your kisses.
"You’ll catch more bees with honey than vinegar," New York–based
relationship expert and author April Masini, tells Bustle. "If you tell someone what you don’t like about their kissing style, you may hurt their feelings, make them feel rejected, and open the door for them to criticize you, which will sting."
Compliment Them Where They Excel
Oh, wait! Now you have something nice to say? Great! So, say it! Masini suggests focusing on what you
do like about their kissing style explaining, "You can almost omit what you don’t like when you focus on what you do." In doing this, you're leading the way, but on a positive note.
"One way to sync your kissing with a partner is to mirror how they kiss,"
Sex Therapist Stefani Threadgill tells Bustle. "If they kiss softly, you kiss softly."
It may seem like simple math, but when you throw a soft kisser and an aggressive kisser together, it definitely requires some effort to appropriately sync.
If you're doling out critiques and compliments, then you should expect to get some in return and accept what you hear. Ideally, your partner will be courtesy enough to take the route you did — by not criticizing you and pointing out what you're good at — but if they don't, try not to take it too much to heart. Not everyone can be so
proficient in constructive criticism and the word syncing is about more than one thing working together harmoniously.
If you pay attention, so much can be conveyed without words. For example, "if the
person you're kissing kind of pulls away, or tries to tilt their head to adjust to how you're kissing them," Antonia Hall, MA. a psychologist, relationship expert, and the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life tells Bustle, then that's a sign you need to read. Perhaps you're being too forceful, applying too much pressure, or they simply prefer to have their head tilted in the opposite direction. Common decency is, if you want them to read your signs you should, in turn, read their signs.
Ask Them What They Like About Your Kissing
While I would never classify myself as an expert in any field (except pizza consumption), having locked lips with a lot people in my life and being fortunate enough to have synced kisses nine times out of 10, I've found that just putting it out there and asking goes a long way. Sure, you can hope you'll get feedback, but some people just simply aren't comfortable offering up that feedback. When you ask them, point blank, it's an open invitation to a conversation that's going to make your kissing so much better.
Communicate Without Words
If things are going well and feeling good, then communicate that you feel like you're both on the right path of syncing up those kisses. "Communicate how you like to be kissed with a soft moan, a hand placed on the back of the neck, or by pulling your partner closer to you," says Threadgill.
Give A Little Of This And A Little Of That
While there may be 30 different types of kisses, ultimately, we can break kissers down into two categories: the lippy kissers and the tonguey kissers. (Yes, I know "lippy" and "tonguey" aren't actually words, but they are for the moment.) Because this is a fact, if you want to sync your kisses, try a bit of both and see where the happy medium is.
best way to kiss someone is a combination of soft, natural lips with a little tongue," psychologist Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. With this technique, both lippy and tonguey kissers get their satisfaction, and you can find what amount is comfortable for both of you.
Be Enthusiastic (Overly Enthusiastic Actually)
If they're kissing like a champ and you feel yourself kissing like a champ in return, then definitely don't keep this great bit of information to yourself. "Overdo it a little in the reward department," says Masini. "If they do something you like, when kissing, let them know! You’d be surprised what you think others know — and they don’t! Be specific, be effusive, and be happy. Tell someone you love when they do x, y, and z — and watch them repeat that behavior. People like praise and rewards and if you’re giving it out, they’re going to try and please you — in this case, in the kissing department!"
However, (because life is full of "howevers"), being able to successfully sync isn't always guaranteed. It's in these cases that it's more about your partner than you, in that they're being selfish in not wanting to budge and meet you in the middle. "You can tell a lot by how people kiss — and discrepancies in style are way less of a problem than someone who’s just
out of touch and self-involved," explains Masini. "When you find a kisser who’s all about themselves, expect that same behavior when it comes to all other areas of the relationship."
But until the day comes that you meet that egg whom you can't quite crack, continue your syncing and be one hell of a happy kisser.