If Your Partner Does These 7 Things, You're A Road Stop And Not The Destination
The reality is, not every single person you date is going to want something long-term with you. Chances are, you probably feel the same. Some relationships are just meant to be temporary. So how can you tell if your partner doesn't want a long-term relationship, but something just for now? According to experts, their actions will clue you in.
When you're in a relationship with someone who sees you as the destination, it won't feel one-sided. "Destination feels equitable," Andrea Amour, Founder of UpDate Coaching, tells Bustle. "There's a give-and-take that is true for daily things like apologies, doing the dishes, or picking the TV show to watch, to even bigger things like moving for someone's career and deciding with whose family to spend the holidays."
You'll know when you're in it for the long haul because your relationship just makes you feel that way. "You will feel calm, safe, comforted, listened to, important, a priority, and loved," therapist Dr. Danielle Forshee, tells Bustle. "When you are a road stop you feel it in your gut, sometimes without even knowing why."
Sometimes it can be hard to tell what your partner wants out of you or the relationship. But if your partner does any of the following things, experts say, they may see you as a road stop and not the destination.
1. They're All Talk, No Action
Often times, people will say all kinds of wonderful things to you in order to keep you hooked. When someone thinks of you as a "temporary" situation, Laney Zukerman, relationship coach and author, tells Bustle, you need to pay attention to their actions and behaviors. Do those two things match up? Do they make you feel like you're not high on the priority list? If not, those are signs that your partner may not see you as something long-term.
2. They Show A Lack Of Interest In What's Going On With You
When someone isn't emotionally reliable, Deborah J. Cohan, Ph.D., intimacy expert and professor at the University of South Carolina-Beaufort, tells Bustle, this is a problematic sign that they're likely with you temporarily. "When someone is serious and senses a future commitment, whether that be a long-term relationship or marriage, they will show intention and desire to open up and be vulnerable about various aspects and layers of life," she says. Most importantly, they will also look for that from the person they are dating, and be curious about their life.
3. They Only Put Work Into The Physical Part Of Your Relationship
There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep the physical aspects of your relationship hot. But that shouldn't be the only thing you focus on. According to Dr. Cohan, a relationship that's fixated on physical intimacy may lack in other important areas such as emotional intimacy. If that's the case, your partner may not see your relationship as something long-lasting, and it's something you may want to discuss if you don't feel on the same page.
4. They Keep You Totally Separate From Their Life
This could be anything from not inviting you to family or business-related events to not confiding in you when they're going through something personal. When someone sees you as their destination, Zukerman says, they're proud to have you in their lives. "It doesn’t have to be everything, but it should be the majority of the time," she says. "If you are not getting invited to holidays or special outings that include people that are 'important' to them, you may want to address this and take a step back."
5. They Avoid Serious Talks About The Future
"This is a crucial one," Zukerman says. "Many relationship partners that are temporary will actually come out and tell you they are not looking for or are 'not ready' for marriage or life-partnership." Sometimes, they'll brush off the conversation or avoid it altogether. But after a certain point, you need to have a serious talk about where your relationship is going. "Don’t go into fantasy mode," she says. "Pay attention to what is in front of you and what you are actually hearing." It can be tough and it's easy to make excuses for your partner. But if you really want to avoid disappointment and know where things stand, you need to talk to them as soon as possible.
6. They Only See You When It's Convenient For Them
When you're someone's road stop, the relationship will be on their terms. As Amour says, you can usually tell this is the case when they're "busy" all of the time, except when they make the plan. "If you're always the one acquiescing to their schedule, it might be because they're dating you out of convenience rather than a deep-seated romantic connection," she says.
7. They Make You Question Yourself And/Or The Relationship
It's easy to get caught up in what your partner wants. Are they ready? Are they going to choose to commit to you? But as Zukerman says, "What about you? Do you feel loved, respected, and important? Or are you so caught up in what they think and what they want?" If you're compromising a lot of your "must-haves" for a relationship that doesn't meet them, this relationship may not work out long-term. Someone who wants commitment from you will do what they can to make you feel just as happy in the relationship as they are. "Don't lose yourself in the equation," she says.
At the end of the day you should always know where you stand with the person you're dating. If it hasn't been discussed, bring it up. If you're hoping that your relationship will turn into something more, you need to know if you and your partner are on the same page. If you're not, you need to decide if that's something you're OK with. You deserve to be with someone who thinks of you as the destination, not a random road stop. Don't settle for anything less.