Nothing is worse than your crush approaching you right after you finished that onion bagel smothered in garlic cream cheese, or the self-conscious feeling you get preparing to give a huge presentation at work after a hearty lunch of tuna fish and BBQ potato chips. I know what you're thinking during these moments. I know what we're all thinking: I wish I had dill pickle mints.
Oh — I beg your pardon. You thought this was going to be an article about mint toothpaste or a refreshing new flavor of Ice Breakers? Hahahahafuadalgfdashmfgv no. It's about dill pickle mints.
Dill. Pickle. Mints. Just in case you missed that the first two times.
Said mints come from Archie McPhee, and you can buy them online over at the Archie McPhee website for $3.50 a pop, but honestly, it's probably cheaper just to bar a jar of Vlasic and gargle the juice. This was all news to me. Upon learning dill pickle mints exist, I found myself emotionally conflicted, so I searched the internet for customer reviews that would perhaps shed some light on why — God, why — anyone would ever want the inside of their mouth to taste like a pickle-y mint.
I largely came up empty-handed, I assumed because most people don't, in fact, want the inside of their mouth to taste like a pickle-y mint. I did, however, find a couple of reviews for a similar product on Amazon, and here's the kicker: they were all disappointed the mints didn't taste more like pickles.
I was just about to slam my head into my desk when I realized something: mints aren't the only food item that have received the pickle makeover. Sure enough, a quick Google search turned up results for products and recipes for pickle-flavored ice cream, doughnuts, candy canes, chips (which I admit might be tasty — somebody send help), gum, popcorn, toothpaste, pop, slushies, beer, and even condoms.
And sex is ruined for me.
It was at this point I started questioning myself. Was I being a pickle hater? Was I blinded by ignorance? What did I really know about pickles, anyway?
When I stopped to think about, I realized something: despite my confusion surrounding dill pickle mints, I myself am utterly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with pickles. Any time is a good time to stick my hand in a jar a remove a few — or if company is around, I'll play coy and use a fork.
That first crunchy bite fills my heart with glee, and I'd drink the juice with a straw if I wasn't worried people would judge me. When left alone and to my own devices, I've been known to finish an entire jar by myself in less than 48 hours, and I feel no shame.
And we're just talking about my love for the taste of pickles, here. This doesn't even scratch the surface of the numerous health benefits of our salty friends. According to CureJoy, pickles can help reduce nausea and morning sickness, and prevent blood sugar spikes after eating. They're a good source of antioxidants, says Organic Facts, and can help us digest our food better. One study from 2010 published in Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise even found when athletes drank pickle juice, their muscle cramps lasted for a shorter period of time compared to athletes who drank water.
So, let's recap. Pickles:
- Taste like crunchy heaven
- Are good for your health
All things considered, it's really no wonder somebody finally bridged the gap between pickles and breath mints. I mean... why didn't we think of this sooner? We were doing breath mints wrong this whole time, you guys.