I'm sorry, Meghan. I'm sorry, Harry. First of all, I'm sorry that I apparently think I'm on a first name basis with both of you — though I'm sure we would all be best friends if we ever met in real life. You'd just get me, we'd stay up all night eating popcorn, there would be matching pajamas involved. That's just what would happen. But more importantly, I'm sorry about this. Did I know that it was coming? Absolutely. But still, I wasn't quite prepared. Royal Wedding sex toys are here, because they were always going to be. Because this is the world we live in. Again, I'm sorry.
Lovehoney, the hugely popular online sex toy retailer, has introduced two new commemorative sex toys in Meghan Markle and Prince Harry's honor — and yes, I know that's stretching the word "commemorative" to breaking point. It's their words, not mine. In fact, considering these twos don't cost much over $10, calling them commemorative is a pretty tough sell. It's not like those fancy coins you buy off of commercials or anything. But the truth is, people love the royals — so much so that in the UK we all got the day off work for Prince William's wedding. While this year we don't have a day off, it'll undoubedtly be a popular event.
If you are someone who's royal obsessed or you just want a reasonably-priced sex toy that's not intimidating and good for beginners, Lovehoney now has two great options on show.
I'm not sure how anyone is going to feel about the packaging on these toys — but then again, Prince Harry was famous for getting naked in his youth, so maybe he won't mind the suggestive positioning on the packaging which, like it or not, will make you think of Prince Harry's penis. See? You're thinking about it right now. And the wedding isn't until May 19, so you're going to be thinking about it for weeks.
And if that's not enough royal fun time for you, here are the two commemorative sex toys you can choose from. We've, perhaps unsurprisingly, got a his-and-hers situation on our hands.
Ladies first. This "Markle Sparkle" finger ring is an exact replica of her engagement ring (OK, I, 100 percent made that up — it's probably nowhere close). But it is a great little finger vibrator, which you can use solo or with your prince or princess charming. This is a good toy for people who are new to sex toys, because it just adds an extra boost and enhances the sensation of any erogenous zone you're already touching. It's really easy to incorporate into your sex life without feeling like it's in the way.
Ready for the gold edition? This Royal Wedding Love Ring is a cock ring designed to do some double duty. Sure, it's a cock ring with some "pulsating pleasure" for him, but it also is textured for clitoral stimulation as well. How gentlemanly.
Are these toys a total perversion of everything good and pure? Yes. Do they seem pretty fun and good for your sex life? Also yes. Hey, life is complicated sometimes. But if I'm not getting a day off of work for this royal wedding, at the very least I can get an orgasm out of it. You owe me that much, Harry and Meghan — after all we've been through.
So if you're looking for a great way to spend the day of the royal wedding, head over to the Lovehoney website and grab yourself a commemorative toy. Honestly, it's better than a mug, right?