Astrology is definitely the most fun of the pseudosciences. But let's all be honest with ourselves: when we're reading up on our zodiac signs, we're usually focused on the positives. We want to hear all the reasons that our star sign (or our prospective mate's star sign) is creative and loyal and generally more amazing and hygienic than all those other garbage star signs. But even the nicest of zodiac signs have their dark side (I'm looking at you, Pisces). Here's the one literary villain for your zodiac sign.
After all, where would literature be without its villains? We need our Lady Macbeths, our Draculas, and our various fictional pirates to drive the plot forward and add some much needed charisma. I mean, as much as we love our favorite literary heroes... they can get just a tad boring, sometimes. You're not going to see Katniss Everdeen or Harry Potter or Anne of Green Gables cackling maniacally while they chain up a damsel in their underground lair. Villains make very poor role models, but they do have the most fun.
So... are you more of a beautiful witch queen, a reclusive evil genius, or a child-snatching actor? Read on to find out:
1. Aries: The White Witch
It's hard to outdo the White Witch for sheer evil. She plunges Narnia into an eternal winter, she's utterly remorseless in wiping out an entire species, and she literally lures little kids into her sleigh with candy. She also has all the confidence and fury of a true Aries. She's sure of herself, stubborn, and deeply terrifying when angry. Don't mess with her on the battlefield. Actually, just don't mess with an Aries. Ever.
2. Taurus: Mrs. Coulter
Mrs. Coulter likes the finer things in life. She's always beautifully put together, she's a bit of a romantic, and she rips the souls out of small children. Naturally, Mrs. Coulter from The Golden Compass is a Taurus: motherly, materialistic, and ruthless. Don't try to get in her way, because a Taurus is unstoppable (although they have impeccable taste in decor).
3. Gemini: Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde
You don't get much more "two-faced" than Jekyll and Hyde. Like a typical Gemini, Dr. Jekyll seems like a perfectly chill, friendly guy when you first meet him. He's smart, amiable, and only a little creepy. But after a drink or two (of mysterious science potion), he hulks out into a violent monster who you would definitely not invite back to your next house party.
4. Cancer: The Phantom of the Opera
The Phantom of the Opera is about as Cancer as it gets: he lives underground, he plays the organ while crying, and he cannot stop sulking when he gets dumped. He also murders a lot of people because a girl hurt his feelings. He has all of that classic Cancer sensitivity and self-pity, plus the ability to drop chandeliers on his enemies.
5. Leo: Count Olaf
Quite a few villains fit the Leo profile. But there's only one Olaf from A Series of Unfortunate Events. He's theatrical, he's vain, and he usually manages to save his own skin at the expense of everyone else. He's the natural born leader of his hench-people. He knows that he's handsome and talented and deserves to live in luxury, and he never lets sniveling orphan brats ruin his high self esteem.
6. Virgo: Moriarty
Sherlock Holmes' very own nemesis could only be a Virgo. Who else would be organized enough to take on Holmes' infamous intellect? Moriarty is the spider at the center of the web. He orchestrates complicated plans with the detail-oriented focus of a true Virgo, and he's not afraid to push people off of waterfalls when the situation calls for it.
7. Libra: Hannibal Lector
Hannibal is surely the most charming cannibal in all of literature. Like any Libra, he's naturally charismatic, sophisticated, intellectual, and he enjoys eating human flesh. He likes to keep a good life-murder balance, and frequently eats people who are rude to him. With his maroon eyes and unnaturally keen sense of smell, he's just ooze with that Libra magnetism.
8. Scorpio: Lady Macbeth
Lady M knows that she's a queen (at least, she will be once she murders that knucklehead king). She's got that Scorpio ferocity and willingness to commit murder for the people she loves. Sure, she can be a little intense and devious sometimes, but she makes up for it with her passion for all-consuming power. She also has the classic Scorpio ability to bully her husband into killing his best friend whenever she wants to.
9. Sagittarius: Long John Silver
Long John Silver isn't like other villains. He's a fun villain. He's not about that ruthless life of crime—he's about stealing treasure and chilling out on the beach. As a Sagittarius, he's the smart and adventurous and perfectly willing to put a child in danger as long as he gets the money for his sweet new beach house.
10. Capricorn: Voldemort
Sorry, Capricorns. You're just... a very ambitious bunch. And sometimes a bit serious. And Voldemort's got that whole organized, no-nonsense villainy going on (also he's an actual Capricorn, according to Jo). His Capricorn mind doesn't leave any room for wizard feelings. He's all raw hunger for power. Lesser villains commit evil by murdering a few people. Voldy sets up shop a fascist dictator.
11. Aquarius: Satan
Specifically, the Satan from Milton's Paradise Lost. Because, sure, he's the ultimate evil and the enemy of all things good. No one's denying that. But he's also an over-thinker, and a tortured soul, and an all around hippie dippy Aquarian. He wants justice for the overworked angels. He wants to mull over philosophy and find a better way of doing things... but unfortunately for Satan, Milton's version of God is just not that open to alternative lifestyles.
12. Pisces: The Other Mother
As far as villains go, the Other Mother from Coraline is pretty whimsical. Much like a Pisces, she comes off as all caring and fun and empathetic... but then you slowly begin to realize that she's a hot mess who's determined to trap you in her house forever. She's got the whimsical, dreamy Pisces vibes, but sometimes whims can turn into a desire to escape reality and pluck out everyone's eyeballs.