This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with a glitter straw that fit into a bottle of wine. (Something as definitively extra as a wine bottle-sized straw deserves no less dramatic an introduction.)
If you’ve ever desired a more twee way to sip on an entire bottle of wine, allow me to introduce you to Glitter Wine Bottle Straws. They’re millennial pink! They’re bespeckled with gold glitter! They’re reusable! They! Are! Specifically FOR WINE!!! It’s like someone gathered the internet search history of every twentysomething, took out all the sad/angry/political parts, and created a product out of those buzzwords.
Each straw is 15 inches high, fits into a full, standard bottle of wine, and only feels like an “end of times” omen a little bit! Part of Always Fits’ product description reads, “Instead of pouring out a glass of wine (because let’s be honest, you're gonna drink the whole bottle), just pop in a straw and get sipping!” What I love here is the assumption that moderation is a thing of the past. Here in 2019, we like to come home after a long day of smashing our face against our work computer, curl up with a nice, cozy Instagram feed, and unwind with some wine. Or all of the wine. An entire bottle’s worth of wine that you put a glittery straw into. (Truly, though, please use this straw responsibly.)
A four-pack of these harbingers of glittery doom costs $15. Or at least they did when they were still in stock. I’m sorry, did you think that something that so perfectly encapsulated our current culture would currently be available for purchase? Of course not, and that, in itself, is even more On Brand™ for 2019.
The straws come courtesy of Slant Collections, which is an online shop that looks like if a wine-themed decorative pillow came to life and became an Instagram influencer. I say that with love and admiration and, admittedly, some jealousy; sometimes I, too, wish to live life as a decorative throw pillow.
Slant Collections has a cocktail napkin and lettered mug for every Instagrammable occasion. At the beach and need to be reminded? There’s a napkin for that. Need a tote bag that says “Yay Wine!” so you don’t have to? That exists as well. The only thing that would make this Wine Me! stemless wine glass more fitting is if the other said “Me Wine!”
But back to the task at hand: straws specifically for wine. As Business Insider points out, Amazon also has a four-pack of giant wine straws on their site. They were, at one point, listed for $8.99, per Business Insider. However, wine bottle-sized straws are apparently in demand everywhere, and this item is also currently out-of-stock. Is there no salvation for our “wine straw the size of a bottle” prayers?
Perhaps these Wino Sippo glasses, which are essentially a wine sippy cup for grown-ups, will suffice. You’ll have to actually pour your wine from the bottle into the glass. (UGH! GROAN! AUDIBLE SIGH!) But at least you’ll still be able to enjoy the glory/horror of drinking wine through a straw.
If you’re looking to munch on something while you sip, you could give LOLIWARE’s edible straws a try. They’re made from a seaweed-based material and entirely biodegradable. While they were not designed exclusively for wine, I'm sure you could pop one of those bad boys into a bottle of red and sip away. If anyone asks what you're doing, you can just tell them, "I'm saving the earth."