For many people, sex is not just physical. For some, it's emotional, and for others, it's even spiritual. To psychic Deborah Graham, star of TLC's Psychic Matchmaker and author of Get Your Head Out of Your App, nothing is purely physical. She's attuned to the spiritual dimensions of everything including sex, and she tells Bustle there's a lot more we could be getting out of it than most of us are right now.
Graham's job is not only to give psychic readings but also to set people up based on how their energies mesh. And the same supernatural connection people can feel on dates can also be achieved during sex. In fact, if you're not connected to your second chakra — the part of your lower abdomen that stores your sexual energy — she believes your sex life could also suffer emotionally and physically.
"At a certain point, people are just kind of like, 'Ah, I'm tired. I'm not into it. It's like they actually stop the energy from flowing,'" she says. "It's not about them not being sexually attracted. The body is a shell. We all have this inner being inside of us that's able to connect to energy."
How do you get that energy flowing, though? Here's how Graham suggests tapping into that supernatural force that makes sparks fly and souls unite.
You can't connect with someone else's energy until you're connected to your own. To connect with your sexual energy, meditate for five minutes before sex. Draw your attention to your sacrum — the bone at the bottom of your spine — and picture yourself exhaling out of it as you push your pelvis out. "What that's doing is releasing blockages, but it's also releasing endorphins in your energy field so you can have the best possible sexual connection," says Graham. If you feel less attracted to your partner or interested in sex, doing this meditation daily for three weeks could rekindle your passion.
2Look Into Each Other's Eyes
Connecting on an energetic level basically means seeing into someone's soul — and the windows to the soul are the eyes. "You need to read into that person's energy to know what areas to touch and connect that is going to take them to the most erotic place," says Graham. "It's almost like reading their thoughts and emotions and almost like reading their fantasies."
Another connection point for transferring energy is the hands. Hold your partner's hand and pay close attention to what you feel radiating from it. "When you touch that person and hold their hand, you get a charge of energy," says Graham. "It starts to move the meridians through the body. Each meridian is a connection with your own electromagnetic frequency." That's psychic talk for "you will feel them in you — but not quite that way... yet." For the deepest connection, look into each other's eyes and hold hands without doing anything.
4Connect From Afar
The cool thing about being connected on a psychic level is that you don't even need to be in the same room to have sex. If you and your partner are apart, set a time for when you want to connect and do the meditation described in item #1 while imagining each other's energy. Once you get really connected, you can feel each other's presence in the room — something called "astral projection" that also lets people interact in dreams.
5Get A Crystal
Graham's a believer in the power of crystals to shift our energetic states, and the one she recommends for sex is rose quartz. Try putting a rose quartz stone to your second chakra while you meditate. You can also get a rose quartz sex toy from Chakrubs.
Many of us have disconnected from our sexual energy because we've learned to be ashamed of it, says Graham. Once you unblock it, you might feel sensations or desires you didn't know you had — and inviting these in is the key to a fulfilling sex life.
"It is only when we find the courage to let our guard down and allow the blood to fully flow between heart and reproduction, between desire and intimacy, and between less control and more fun that these areas of our lives thrive again," she says. "It is all about charge and discharge, inhalation and exhalation, sweetness and compassion. Let go of the idea that 'it is not OK' to exhale or discharge, and watch your sexual energy spring forward with exploration and rejuvenation."
Images: Andrew Zaeh for BUstle