I was born to be in the same pub with my friends but it was so weird. Um, what? This is my predictive text life story. Want to try it? People on Twitter are using predictive text to write the story of their lives, and the results are equal parts poetry and hilarity. If you're not sure what predictive text is, it's the feature on your phone that suggests the next word when you begin typing a text. And because your phone is sort of smart, but also a robot, it can compile a hilarious story of your life.
To use predictive text, go to your keyboard settings and make sure the predictive text setting is enabled. Next, write your own predictive text life story by starting with "I was born," then select the next word until you come up with your mini memoir. Your phone doesn't actually have a brain — that you know of — but, it is trained to anticipate your next move by learning your text behavior and suggesting words you might use next.
While the responses to Twitter user NBA Kurt Vonnegut's original predictive text challenge are guaranteed to make you laugh out loud, they also prove that some people's phones don't know them at all, and others should clearly start a second career as poets. For something that can overhear you talk about peanut butter and then show you a picture of it the next time your scroll through social media, the predictive text feature's storytelling skills are pretty rudimentary — with a few poetic exceptions — which is what makes predictive text life stories so freaking funny.
Oh, please, please, please let J.K. Rowling write a predictive text Harry Potter series.
I mean, what's the point of being in a human costume if the food is terrible?
This one pretty much describes every character from American Horror Story Hotel.
Sometimes you just want to go home, and if you're lucky all of your pals will be there waiting for you.
When you realize you might have a parasitic twin living inside of you.
This woman's phone actually does know her really well.
When your phone writes emo songs for you.
And uncovers the secret behind Orphan Black — making clones in a lab with sangria, duh.
This is Alice In Wonderland coming to life in 2017.
Because, obviously the secret to smarter babies is giving them coffee.
The existential crisis of humanity summed up right here. And, life is so stressful. How does the phone know such things?
How everyone feels about 2017, including this person's phone.
It might be time for this phone to go to rehab.
How introverts are born every damn day.
When you spend most of your life attending the school of hard knocks and you have to keep learning the same lesson.
When you know it's time to take a social-media vacation.
Your phone knows you're a lyrical poet, even if you didn't know it.
You were made of a good day. Can there be any higher compliment? I love this one. Seriously, it's giving me all the feels.
Because, if you're not going to be there for both me and my phone, it's over.
Someone please organize a poetry reading for all of these literary gems.
Lady Gaga said it a little more eloquently in the song "Paparazzi." "I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me ... Baby you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me..."
This one was written for the Polk Family in American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare.
I'm not crying, you're crying! OK, this one makes me a little sad.
But, this one will give you all of the warm and fuzzy feels.
Have urinal cakes ever smelled fresh?
If you've never seen the episode of Law & Order SVU where someone lives in a box under the bed, this is the plot.
How it feels to be born in 2017.
Indeed, the past is the perfect place for dinner, and almost everything else.
Don't like your predictive text life story? Write a new one. My second one says: I was born in a new place and I lived there for years, and now I'm going back to the hotel. Apparently hotels and pubs are my jam, but I can always change the narrative.