What To Do If Your Partner Doesn't Orgasm With You, According To Experts

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If you're a considerate lover, you probably care about making your partner orgasm. But you also probably care about making them comfortable, which means not pressuring them. So, if your partner doesn't orgasm with you, how do you try to change that situation without making them feel bad about it?

Anorgasmia (lack of orgasm) is one of the most common sexual problems people face. One study in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that 21.3 percent of young women and 8.3 percent of men experienced difficulty reaching climax. This can stem from many factors including stress, medications, and inadequate stimulation. Some people can orgasm alone but not with a partner, and many can orgasm from certain sexual acts but not others.

Approaching a partner's lack of orgasm is a delicate conversation. While you want to give them more pleasure for their own sake, you don't want to pressure them to perform for your sake. So, you have two options: You can directly discuss the fact that they haven't orgasmed, or you can be indirect about it and focus on how you can give them more pleasure.

"There are pros and cons to the direct and indirect route," Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., author of Becoming Cliterate, tells Bustle. "The direct route, especially if not carefully stated, could result in defensiveness. On the other hand, the indirect route may make it unclear what is being said."

Here's what experts advise doing if you want your partner to orgasm (or orgasm more) but don't want to put them on the spot.

1Bring It Up Outside The Bedroom

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"I’d make sure to have the conversation at a non-sexual time — not during sex," says Mintz. It's easier to talk through issues when you're away from all the emotions and expectations that show up during sex, and carving out time specifically for the conversation gives you more time to talk it through.

2Use "I" Statements

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"You" statements can make it sound like you're blaming your partner for not orgasming, when in reality, it's nobody's fault. To make them more comfortable, speak in "I" statements, focusing on what you can do yourself to improve the situation. Mintz recommends saying something like: "I’d like to talk to you about our sex life. I feel a bit nervous about this and am afraid you might get defensive. Still, I want to bring this up because I really care about our sex life being as good as it can be. I’ve noticed you have not been having orgasms lately, and I’d love for you to have them with me. I was thus wondering if we could talk about any way we could make our sex better and more orgasmic for you. I’d like to do what you need to orgasm and want to hear about that."

3Take The Pressure Off

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Whenever you're pleasing your partner, sex therapist Vanessa Marin recommends saying, "I'm going to keep doing this until you tell me you're satisfied." "This makes it clear that you're happy to focus on them and you want them to relax," she tells Bustle. "Plus, you're focusing more on satisfaction rather than an orgasm per se."

4Ask For Feedback

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Without mentioning orgasm directly, you can become a better lover by asking them what feels good. Marin recommends trying out two different techniques and asking which they prefer. "Again, asking right from the beginning makes it clear that you value your partner's experience," she says. "You want them to give you whatever feedback will help them feel even more pleasure. But it doesn't directly focus on orgasm, so it doesn't create that pressure."

These approaches aren't mutually exclusive, of course. You can let your partner know you're interested in making them orgasm if that's a goal of theirs and focus on brining them pleasure whether or not they orgasm. Orgasm doesn't have to be the goal of sex, and it's important to enjoy the entire experience, not just the end.