Life
In the halcyon days of the '90s, when our tips were frosted, our clothes were bedazzled, and our bodies glittered, nothing was quite so refreshing as the first sip of a freshly-punched pouch of Capri Sun. It was the rare juice beverage tooth-achingly sweet enough for us to enjoy, and covered in enough pictures of fruit for our parents to feel good giving it to us.
First launched in Germany in 1969 under the name Capri Sonne, the fruity beverage became a staple for '90s recess, lunch, and weekend soccer games. But not all Capri Suns were created equal. I shudder to think of how many 8th birthday parties were ruined because, after a rousing game of tag, guests were horrified to discover that the cooler was full of *gasp* orange flavor.
While everyone had their own favorite pouch, there was an obvious hierarchy in the Capri Sun world, with the complex Coolers and exotic Punches vastly outperforming the single fruit flavors, like grape and lemonade. And though it may come as a surprise to those of you who pay your own rent, and no longer enjoy recess, Capri Sun is actually still around, and it is our responsibility as wise, experienced, only slightly emotionally-stunted children of the '90s to make sure today's youth don't make the same beverage mistakes we did. So, with that in mind, here is the definitive ranking of Capri Sun flavors (for the children).
1
Orange
Come on, Orange Capri Sun, who do you think you are? Everyone knows Hi-C or Sunny D was the orange juice drink of choice. Capri Sun's orange juice wasn't actively bad, but it was by far the least imaginative of the Capri Sun pouches, and due to the strong competition in the field of orange-flavored drinks, it was always destined to fail.
2
Grape
Like orange, grape Capri Sun suffered from a lack of creativity. And just as Hi-C and Sunny D dominated the field of orange drinks, grape Capri Sun was always overshadowed by the definitive grape juice provider - Welch's.
3
Lemonade
Although you were never horrified to find a lemonade Capri Sun in your lunch box, you were never exactly thrilled either. It was a fine, but slightly one-dimensional flavor that you probably drank half of, and then forgot on the jungle gym when it was time to go back to class.
4
Mountain Cooler
Don't be fooled by the fancy name — Mountain Cooler was just Capri Sun's version of apple juice.
5
Strawberry
Listen, strawberry is always a good flavor, especially when it comes to highly-processed snack foods of the '90s. But like all of the single-fruit flavors of Capri Sun, it wasn't particularly exciting. That being said, it would make an excellent mixer for an adult Capri Sun beverage.
6
Red Berry
Although the pouch has pictures of raspberries, Red Berry flavor Capri Sun in fact contains strawberry and pear juice concentrate. So it's essentially a slightly more complex version strawberry; again, delicious, but uninspiring.
7
Surfer Cooler
There was something bizarre about Surfer Cooler's combination of pear, orange, and pineapple flavors. It gets points for creativity, but its taste was a little too distracting to enjoy with your Lunchables.
8
Wild Cherry
Like strawberry, wild cherry is always a delicious processed fruit flavor. What it lacks in creativity, it more than makes up for in consistent, dependable enjoyment.
9
Splash Cooler
Now we're getting to the elaborate flavor combos that really made Capri Sun shine. In addition to sounding awesome, Splash Cooler was tasty - it contained apple, grape, and strawberry juice concentrates. And based on this unnecessarily aggressive ad, it may or may not turn your skin silver.
10
Strawberry Kiwi
With the reliably delicious flavor of strawberry, and slightly exotic and subtle flavor of kiwi, Strawberry Kiwi was without a doubt the best of the non-Cooler or Punch Capri Sun flavors.
11
Fruit Punch
Apple and grape and pear and orange and pineapple, oh my! Fruit Punch was a borderline-overwhelming dose of fruit. A punch, if you will. (Sorry, I'll leave.)
12
Tropical Punch
Sure, sticklers might argue that except for one ingredient, Fruit Punch and Tropical Punch are basically the same thing. And sure, like Fruit Punch, Tropical Punch has apple, grape, and pineapple flavors, but instead of pear and orange, it contains cherry juice concentrate. Plus, Tropical Punch is a way cooler name than plain old Fruit Punch. As this commercial says: "Bang. Zoom. Liquid cool."
13
Coastal Cooler
In addition to its yummy apple and strawberry combo, Coastal Cooler looked and sounded delicious, but ultimately it was a second-rate substitute for the true star...
14
Pacific Cooler
Come on, was there ever any competition? Pacific Cooler was far and away the yummiest and coolest flavor of Capri Sun. With pear, grape, apple, pineapple, and orange juice concentrates, it was an explosion of processed fruity flavor that made you feel like the coolest on the playground. Don't believe me? Just check out these cool kids drinking Pacific Coolers and skateboarding!
