Why Grown-Ass Women Don't Date Jerks
Andrew Zaeh/Bustle
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I used to date a lot of jerks. I also was a jerk a lot of the time in my past relationships. Having been on both side of the spectrum, I know something very true about how an adult, boss-ass lady who takes no sh*t dates: A grown-ass woman only dates people who treat her like a goddamn queen. “Feminist movements have been growing self-confidence in women and appreciation of feminine differences by aware men," Dr. Deb Sandella, PhD a psychotherapist and author of Goodbye Hurt and Pain tells Bustle. "Each generation has grown more aware the unique contribution of females.”

It’s 2017. Grown-ass women only want to date woke people. She knows what she deserves and isn’t about to settle for anything less. Grown-ass woman do not date a*ssholes. That being said, there's a lot to know about why so many of us have dated idiots — and what we'll learn once we stop and start dating the people we deserve.

Women Date Jerks Because They’re Told To Put Up With Nonsense

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We grow up dating jerks because we don’t know any better. We’re told by our culture to be quiet and look pretty. “Women are consistently raised to be people-pleasers," Bryony Cole, relationships and sex tech expert, badass b*tch, and the mastermind behind the Future of Sex podcast, tells Bustle. "At some point, we hopefully learn the important lesson of how powerful we are, just as we are."

When we grow up, get mature AF, and better ourselves… we realize these lessons were completely f*cked. Any person who likes you when you act like a mannequin with no original thought is not worth your time.

A grown-ass woman is the product of a lot of hammered down confidence, slut-shaming, and societal backlash followed by a subsequent rise from the ashes to take her throne. Women are amazing, and we get this way in spite of this bullsh*t.

Grown-Ass Women Have Been Through Some Sh*t

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A powerful woman didn’t become that way on accident. A grown-ass lady may have encountered a ton of miserable idiots before figuring her life out. I once dated a guy who called himself “daddy” in the third person. So, I should know. Yeah. That is a story for another day.

Of Cole’s journey into becoming a kickass, no-nonsense relationship dominant, she says, “For me (and people I interview on my podcast) this lesson has usually been preceded by some advanced-level heartbreak and soul-crushing that evokes your inner Kali, the fearful and ferocious form of mother goddess in Hinduism.”

You learn and grow from every experience, especially the ones that beat you down. Once you’ve dealt with enough scummy people, your tolerance for that behavior drops and you no longer put up with it.

A Grown-Ass Woman Isn’t Afraid To Feel

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A grown-ass woman knows what she deserves and she gives weight to her emotions. She doesn’t hide from her feelings. She is her authentic self. She doesn’t hide behind walls. She does not put on a show. She doesn’t have to.

She’s not the “cool girl.” She not any trope. She’s just is who she is, unapologetically. She doesn't have to play petty games, because she is above that. A grown-ass woman doesn’t do anything to make people like her because her fabulous self is enough. And that’s why a grown-ass woman will wind up with a grown-ass man or a grown-ass woman. If you aren’t looking for someone to challenge you, give it to you straight, and take on life with you … you’re not a grown-ass anything.

And for all you badass ladies out there: You know you don’t have to settle for some loser who doesn’t appreciate you. You do not have time for that. Slay on. Stay woke.